Ask Me Where I'm Going -- Who Knows? Ahead.

Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-Deepak Chopra

The universe is a funny thing. It works exactly how you need it to, even if you don't know how you need it to. It makes you learn things the hard way. I've been given the opportunity to re-evaluate what's important in my life; Realign my priorities with my actions.

I've incorporated a rule into my life that I've followed quite strictly. It has been a rule of balance. Three facets of life: Family, Friends, Work. I've followed this rule quite diligently, always careful not to let one get ahead of the other, and when one seemed to fall behind, sacrifice the time of the other two to make sure the weaker becomes strong again. The results have been astounding. I feel confident calling myself Daughter, Sister, Niece, Cousin, Girlfriend, Best Friend, Leader, Follower, Teacher, Student. I've given myself close to no chance to mess this up. Always staying on track. Focused. Determined. Assertive. Attentive. And  very, very passionate. Even in the last while, I've learned so much. Knowing when to listen, when to not, when to put my foot down, and when to give a bit more.

Along the way, there was one minor oversight... Me. While I was busy being a daughter to my mother, a friend to my buddies, turning point to my business, I forgot to be me to myself. Don't get me wrong, the system would never work if I didn't have my head on my shoulders. It's much more simple than that.

I know how shallow the water is. Why are we still diving then? Can't blame a fool for trying? You sure can!!! Hold your head up high, it's the last living sign of any sort of confidence. Hands up if you can't feel the bottom yet! Sometimes the mistakes we make in life aren't really mistakes. The universe gives you a kick in the pants when you have ignored and resisted every push it had already attempted to give you in the right direction. There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. Best to make those steps before the universe decides to break your leg.

There's no such thing as running away from your problems. They will follow you no matter the distance. You take your heart with you wherever you go and taking it to a prettier environment won't make it ache any less. I remained in place. I healed. I reached out. Tied up loose ends. Toronto holds such a special place in my heart. Purpose served. Paid in full. Goals achieved and belief systems created. I hope the mentors in my life realize how much I appreciate them for helping me to get where I am now: in service. I can't stop smiling. Thank you universe.

Thank you, more please.

I Never Want To Catch Up With The Letting Go

I'd pack his things into a box and leave it at the door at least once a week.


You have to understand when it hurt to love him, it hurt the way the light hurts your eyes in the middle of the night, but I had to see, even through the ruin, if what we were burying were seeds. There were so many plants in my house, you could rake the leaves even through that winter when I was trying to make angels in the snow of his cold shoulder.

Bem feito.

I Have Little Tolerance For Love That Is Conditional

All you need is love plus an instruction manual for what to do with it once you've found it.


As long as I keep running about asking: “Do you love me? Do you really love me?” I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with “ifs.” The world says: “Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.” There are endless “ifs” hidden in the world’s love. These “ifs” enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world’s love is and always will be conditional.


Will I cherish you, adore you, make way for you, make myself better for you, look at you and always see you, tell you the truth? And if love is not those things then what things?"

It’s really scary when you get attached to someone. You spend time with them, you get to know them. You find yourself knowing their favorite color, food, movie, song. You discover their flaws and their talents. And as time goes on, you learn more and more, absorbing every second of detail without even realizing it. Then one day, you wake up and realize how much this person actually means to you, and you love them for every strength and weakness. They make you feel warm and secure, but most of all, they bring you happiness. And to bring happiness to someone in such a way is a strong and powerful thing. It could break a person completely. Some say those who fall in love are young and dumb. I say they show an incredible amount of bravery. It takes courage to trust somebody with your entire heart.


Imagine yourself in old age for a moment. You're sitting in the sunshine next to your partner (who is also your best friend, confidant(e) and lover) and you're surrounded by family and friends. Children are playing on the grass around you and everywhere is the sound of laughter and happy voices. Yes I know, it sounds like the ending of the most unwatchable sugary film ever. But deep down, wouldn't you like to feel you were heading for moments like that?

You Can't Love Anything More Than Something You Miss

I think and think and think
I‘ve thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it.


It’s hard to be the one who stays, so says The Time Traveler’s Wife.

I empathize. I have pined for the unrequited, crawled on broken glass to fix a broken dream and lived a good portion of my teenage years willing a boy to change his mind and come back. There is nothing dignified about the quick fall or slow climb back up; being unable to accept reality nor displaying your battered heart on your sleeve. It is not romantic and hardly noble. It is embarrassing having to publicly piece yourself together, pick up your shame and if all else fails, grab the last cabin of a train and pray no one spots the swollen eyes. Worst of all, it is all degrees of tiring being kept awake by pure yearning and longing.


But it’s harder to be the one who leaves.


Because if your smart decision doesn’t work out the way you have played it out in your head a million and one times, you have no one to blame but yourself. No ‘but he hurt me’ to use as an excuse for lying in bed all day. No warped reassurance of knowing that you always have an outlet to assign all blame for your total misery anyway. You did this to yourself; made your bed to lie in – what’s your excuse? No one wonders whether it hurts as bad to walk away than to be left behind because no one believes it should be painful. At all.

I don’t condone trampling all over an unsuspecting heart and then leaving it for road kill, but in comparison to its counterpart, staying is easy. You cry, you dwell, you fall repeatedly, you eventually get up and get better. Leaving takes courage; it is a one-way ticket for a flight that leaves no room for Regrets or Second Guesses.

Time was passing like a hand waving from a train I wanted to be on. 
I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.

You're The Best Idea I've Had

You are worth the time it takes to take the time to get to know you


We’ve managed to muddle through the awkward stage of “I like you and do you like me”, 
But when we both said yes, Life became a multiple choice test.. 
Not knowing anything we became each other’s best guess.


And holding your hand is less like exploration and more like discovery. 
I don’t have to study you to be sure, 
You are the choice I made before I knew what the other choices were.


And like the best idea I’ll ever have, I want you to occur to me daily. 
And I’m sorry, but I want to kiss you every time you have something incredible to say. 
But you’re beautiful, beautiful in a you kind of way.

I Figure If A Girl Wants To Be A Legend She Should Just Go Ahead And Be One

“We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans. We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, and witty, intellectually curious, always moving… We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins… We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We are the daughters of the feminists who said, “You can be anything,” and we heard,
“You have to be everything.””

-Courtney Martin

The Logic Of The Heart Is Absurd

Similar to tricycles, summer, winter, autumn, spring, bruised knees, your first kiss and "there is no Santa Clause", life is really just a series of things that happen. Sometimes to you.


All persons entering a heart do so at their own risk. Management can and will be held responsible for any loss, love, theft, ambition or personal injury. Please take care of your belongings. Please take care of the way you look at me. No roller skating, kissing, smoking, fingers through hair, 3am phone calls, stained letters, littering, unfeeling feelings, a smell left on a pillow, doors slammed, lyrics whispered, or loitering. Thank you.


I wrote this for you.

What It Feels Like When Your Heart Grows Back

If you're tired of trying to fall asleep, sleep on it and try again tomorrow.

If you're all out of promises, I have one left for you: The Earth is still here as long as you're alive.

If you want to yell out your frustrations, I'll understand, just understand that the whole world is screaming, mostly complaining about the noise.

If you're worried about having the poetry knocked out of you of you when you're older, don't. Old blood bleeds as good as new.

If you've got nothing left to feel, just pay the bill and walk away.

If there's anything else, let me know.

I wrote this for you

I Prepare Everything... Then Wait For The World To Wake Up

Sing me lullabies at dawn when I've been up all night painting the wind
to remind myself that things are moving.


Let me tell you about my day:

• Almost dawn, no point trying to fall asleep anymore. 
• I have a meeting and say all the words that I had been saying in my sleep (at night instead of sleep)
• But enough about my lack of sleep
• All I really want is to be with all my friends all the time in a place we can invent and write and play and create things in peace and there is a never ending world all around that is its world but has no consequence
• Of course I also want to be great and live forever, so I guess I've made my choices
• ...But enough about my lack of sleep

I Sing The Body Electric, Especially When My Power's Out

Eleven o'clock had come and gone. I had to find a way to bring this conversation to a successful conclusion and get out of there. But before I could say anything, she suddenly asked me to hold her. 
'Why?' I asked, caught off guard. 
'To charge my batteries,' she said. 
'Charge your batteries?' 
'My body has run out of electricity. I haven't been able to sleep for days now. The minute I get to sleep I wake up, and then I can't get back to sleep. I can't think. When I get like that, somebody has to charge my batteries. Otherwise, I can't go on living. It's true.' 
I peered into her eyes, wondering if she was still drunk, but they were once again her usual cool, intelligent eyes. She was far from drunk.” 


Haruki Murakami

I Would Have Spoken, Had My Heart Not Been In My Throat

He asks:
"How do you feel about moments of silence?"
And I'm so blown away
that all I can do
is respond with silence.

“I wrote on the door of my heart, ‘Please do not enter.’ Love came smiling and said: ‘Sorry I am an illiterate.’”

I eagerly just want to get to know you. I want to know you. When I ask "how are you" and patiently wait for your answer I really mean "who are you"? I want to ask you ridiculous questions. I want to ask you so many that you need me to slow down; to catch up and recover from the repercussions of the last answer. I want you to be surprised by your own honesty. And wherever this leads, I want you to share this with me.


I want you to tell me about every person you’ve ever been in love with. Tell me why you loved them, then tell me why they loved you. Tell me about a day in your life you didn’t think you’d live through. Tell me what the word “home” means to you and tell me in a way that I’ll know your mothers name just by the way you describe your bed room when you were eight. See, I wanna know the first time you felt the weight of hate and if that day still trembles beneath your bones. Do you prefer to play in puddles of rain or bounce in the bellies of snow? And if you were to build a snowman, would you rip two branches from a tree to build your snowman arms? Or would you leave the snowman armless for the sake of being harmless to the tree? And if you would, would you notice how that tree weeps for you because your snowman has no arms to hug you every time you kiss him on the cheek? Do you kiss your friends on the cheek? Do you sleep beside them when they’re sad, even if it makes your lover mad? Do you think that anger is a sincere emotion or just the timid motion of a fragile heart trying to beat away its pain? See, I wanna know what you think of your first name. And if you often lie awake at night and imagine your mothers joy when she spoke it for the very first time. I want you to tell me all the ways you’ve been unkind. Tell me all the ways you’ve been cruel. Tell me—knowing I often picture Gandhi at ten years old beating up little boys at school. If you were walking by a chemical plant, where smoke stacks were filling the sky with dark, black clouds, would you holler, “Poison! Poison! Poison!” really loud or would whisper, “That cloud looks like a fish, and that cloud looks like a fairy”? Do you believe that Mary was really a virgin? Do you believe that Moses really parted the sea? And if you don’t believe in miracles, tell me, how would you explain the miracle of my life to me? See, I wanna know if you believe in any god, or if you believe in many gods. Or better yet, what gods believe in you. And for all the times you’ve knelt before the temple of yourself, have the prayers you’ve asked come true? And if they didn’t did you feel denied? And if you felt denied, denied by who[m]? I wanna know what you see when you look in the mirror on a day you’re feeling good. I wanna know what you see in the mirror on a day a day you’re feeling bad. I wanna know the first person who ever taught you your beauty could ever be reflected on a lousy piece of glass. If you ever reach enlightenment, will you remember how to laugh? Have you ever been a song? Would you think less of me if I told you I have lived my entire life a little off key and I’m not nearly as smart as my poetry I just plagiarized the thoughts of the people around me who have learned the wisdom of silence. Do you believe that concrete perpetuates violence? And if you do I want you to tell me of a meadow where my skateboard will soar. See, I wanna know more than what you do for a living. I wanna know how much of your life you spend just giving. And if you love yourself enough to also receive sometimes. I wanna know if you bleed sometimes through other people’s wounds. And if you dream sometimes that this life is just a balloon that if you wanted to you could pop—but you never would because you’d never want it to stop. If a tree fell in the forest, and you were the only one there to hear it, if its fall to the ground didn’t make a sound, would you panic in fear that you didn’t exist or would you bask in the bliss of your nothingness? And lastly, let me ask you this: if you and I went for a walk, and the entire walk we didn’t talk, do you think eventually we’d kiss? 
No way. That’s askin’ too much—after all, this is only our first date.

I Wonder What You Did With That Cape I Used To Keep Hanging In My Closet...

You bang on my door like a knock-knock joke that I'm scared to hear the punch line to

because the who somehow always turns out to be you

and it's always nothing new...

It's like you tore a page out of the playbook 

and you've been trying to reinvent the airplane

Folding over and over, using the same piece 

until there's a crease running in every direction

And that shit won't fly.

A Broken Staircase With Fresh Paint

I said to the sun "tell me about the Big Bang".

The sun said: "It hurts to become".

I carried that hurt on the tip of my tongue

and whisper "Bless your heart" every chance I get

so my family tree can be sure I have not left.

You do not have to leave to arrive, I am learning this slowly

Sometimes when I look in the mirror 

my eyes look like the holes in the shoes of the shoe-shine man.

Some days my hands are busy on the wrong thing

Some days I call my arms wings 

while my head is in the clouds

It will take me a few more years to learn flying is not pushing away the ground.

But safety isn't always safe, 

you can find one in every gun

I am aiming to do better

I am so excited. I am also scared. And anxious. And more honest than I should be more often than I should be. I am an open book and some things you can't change. I have always been a writer. It's time I start writing some of this open book in invisible ink. So that only the few that care to look close enough will put me under their ultraviolet light to decode what I'm trying to say. I can no longer go out of my way to try to explain myself. Because what I'm trying to say is, there are things I want to say in a language I do not yet know how to speak.

I am waiting. And while I'm waiting I am learning. This sense of impending something weighs heavy on my shoulders these days. Some days very strongly on my heart. Overwhelmed with change and new information. I have left some of my main commitments, given a large portion of my things away, said goodbye (see you later) to people, absolute sweethearts really, whom I have invested my heart and soul in. Because I have just recently realized how much I have been carrying over the last few years and realizing that my arms can only hold so much. I am learning how not to take on others' contagious emotions if they are the ones that drain me. I am learning how to navigate through obstacle courses of communication. I am learning to heal, protect and recharge. I am learning I cannot give infinitely, no matter how much I really desperately and passionately try to fight that fact. The hardest thing I am learning how to do is to sleep. Discipline. So many ideas, so much work, and really... so little time. The best ideas are the ones that keep you up. I have been up. Consistently. For a long time. There are not nearly enough hours in the night. I could use another eight, easily.

I like the open-endedness of "what could go wrong" plus the fact that there's only one way to find out...

There are people who deserve you and people who don’t.  If you have someone in your life who takes you for granted or doesn’t give you the respect that you deserve, leave them in the past where they belong. Surround yourself with people who challenge your mind and bring out the best in you. As for the ones who only exist to bring you down or cheapen your potential; let them find people who are better-suited to their own qualities and principles. Hold yourself to the highest standard possible. People who don’t measure up don’t deserve your time. People who can’t see past their own cowardice or their own arrogance don’t deserve your time. Anyone who doesn’t treat you the way you treat yourself doesn’t deserve your time. And if you are treating yourself in a way that gives people permission to take advantage of you, start showing yourself the exact same respect that you should be demanding of everyone else.  You’re really worth more than you give yourself credit for. It’s time that you start making sure people recognize that.