Saturday, March 13, 2010

If You Always Drink Vinegar, You Don't Know Anything Sweeter Exists

We should make more reasonable vows. The "ever again" or "never again" is the hardest part to keep! Instead we might pull ourselves off the bed, floor or couch, establish none of those other bodies are actually dead, and collapse back down, swearing: "As God is my witness, I will not drink another drop of whiskey ever again for one whole day."

Yesterday Tiffany and I threw a party in our condo. There was caution tape over the stove to ensure that no one tried to start a fire like our last party... Overall it was a great time.

Today's blog post is brought to you by my hungover director of Comedy Made Short, Daniel Christopher Lee. He is currently sitting on my couch as I type everything that he's saying. Enjoy:

"I'm going to be honest with you.
Drinking is the gateway to hell. For so many reasons. First, being in the moment, you feel like you're a million bucks, but the next day you feel like a bucket of ass.

It's bad enough having to wake up with a hangover, but when your insensitive producer is trying to ruin the writing process, it gets frustrating. Due to cable televison, due to satellite radio, due to the numbers on the front porches of suburban houses... drinking is a bad thing. For many reasons. However, modems and the internet are a great way of communication and I think that the future of behavioral methods add up to the thought process of being a superhero.

That being said, there are several things that need to be brought to everyone's attention:
One: finding the right words are difficult. Not only in scripts but in real life.
Two: when someone says that making film is all in the cut, they're an idiot.
Three: to furnish the point that I just said, film is all about everything. Everything! Good cast, good directing, good writing, good lighting, and good FOOD on set! That can add to productivity.

That being said, I don't feed my crew or my actors because I dont have the capacity and we like to use this method as a way of motivation for some of them to lose weight. Not naming names of course. But having said that, I feel that my directing skills are up to par with someone like Martin Scorsese and I think that if I were to meet him he would like me very much. I feel that we could hang out together and maybe eat some ice cream.

Also, because I'm hungover writing this, it may not make a lot of sense right now, but it will if you're also hungover. Right now I'm sitting on a couch looking at a tv. It's not on but I can see the reflection of myself. I don't like what I see. But thats not going to stop me from starting my day. As I sip this bitter, free, McDonalds coffee, I can't help but think that I want to jump out of this condo from the 25th floor that I'm currently being hungover in. I'm staring at a painting of a wet road with a chick that has an umbrella and I feel that I could be in that shot if I set my mind to that.. specific frame?

Having said that there's also a calendar to the left with nothing on it. And thats an accurate description of my life. My birthday is actually on that calendar but below the calendar is a lightswitch-- at least I think it's a lightswitch. On closer inspection... it could be anything that switches something on in a condo. Or apartment/residence. My eyes are wide in observation right now, because I'm so hungover and in a weird state of mind. I look out the window and see "Sutton" on a building. S-U-T-T-O-N. I don't know what that means but I like it, for reasons unknown in my soul. When I'm pleasuring myself I often, sometimes think about places like sutton, because its where my friend Marley met George Clooney. No wait, don't write that, thats disgusting. Tiffany walks out of her room with an awkward smile on her face as if to pretend that she was listening to the conversation but really has no interest whatsoever. As I stare into the vapid emptiness of my life I see a blank screen, representing the way that I feel my soul looks like on the inside. Having said that, I realize that in this blog / memoir / book / digital novel... I feel that right now is a happy time we're in a happy place. And I'll end this with:

I'm never going to drink again.
and not because... and not because... and not because... Tiffany just said that.
I have a green coat. It's a different shade of green. Reminds me of a tree that has aged several hundred years in Saskatchewan. The nylon is black so it makes an interesting contrast. It reminds me of the story of Christopher Walken. And a watch. See, he smuggled the watch up his ass for several years vis-a-vis the movie pulp fiction. Okay... nevermind, you can stop there....

As previously stated, I'm never drinking again."

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