Sunday, August 29, 2010

Make Your Heart Beat As Fast As It Can, At Least Once A Day

I have to make sure my heart beats as fast as it can, at least once a day. I want exciting dreams and terrifying nightmares again. I want to be thrilled by a kiss and heartbroken again. Do something risky, break a bone. I'm restless

I wonder what the physiological differences are between your heart racing from vigorous exercise, or your heart racing from anxiety.

There are a lot of things in this world to be nervous about or afraid of. I often have to tell myself "this isn't one of them", and then convince myself to believe it.

Sometimes we can wake up in the morning after a night of anxiety and think: its not so bad. We can focus on negatives or positives, and I know its easier said than done but I bet there are 10 positives to every negative.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

"Know What You Want, and What In Your Life Is Worth Loving"

In Greek, there are four words for love:
Philia: love of friends
Eros: romantic or sexual love
Storge: sacrificial love, like love of parents
Agape: undiscourageable goodwill.

All four of these qualities should be at work in a relationship.

Why don't we have any other words for love in english? Maybe it would clear up some confusion. Everyone uses the word love, but how deeply they mean it, needs to be communicated. And then that communication can get misunderstood. Would more words prevent this? Or perhaps make it more difficult?

This morning I got together with my high school spanish teacher- someone I very much admire and want in my life for as long as possible.

Sometimes I learn more life lessons from my teachers outside the classroom. Things I've learned from her:
Don't get married young.
Always follow your dreams.
Demand good customer service, and take action until received.

She also just makes me feel so good about what I'm doing in my life, even though I'm always never really sure. Like today, she was so impressed and said: "Jumping out of planes and driving a standard car, what CAN'T you do?!"
And while it seems like praise that shouldn't be a big deal it all, it made me think- maybe I should be more enthusiastic about celebrating these small victories. Stop worrying about the big things that aren't reasonable right now. Don't borrow trouble from tomorrow cause it isn't here yet.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Make Time For Health, Or Make Time For Disease

I used to think that I was stuck. But that's not true. The world moves and I move with it.

I plan out a million things to do in my life because I'm never sure what will work or what I'll like best. Change is constant. I've never not had a time in my life that was the "same old, same old". I have my routines, but its become routine to add something new in the mix.

I'd like to be more present in the now. Ill be the first to admit that I often 10 steps ahead of myself

Everyone preaches how you should live in the present and enjoy every single moment and put 100% into everything

But then look at those people who are lecturing you on how to be a better person and see how much they listen to their own advice.

Fears and excuses often get in the way.

"Gayle" told me today, people that say they don't have time to do the things they should, are just saying that they haven't chosen to make the time.

Make the time! Who else will?!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ideas Are Never The Problem

I think I'm going to call up a newspaper and be a columnist. Or write concert reviews. Or if I'm lucky, have an "ask Marley..." Column.

I think I will start a webseries. Or maybe I will try to do stand up comedy on an amature night at a comedy club.

I think I will write more short stories. And read more short stories. They always give me the inspiration and ideas.

I think I'm going to adopt a little sister. Or little brother- whatever. When I was a camp counselor, I LOVED the rare one on one time that I'd get with kids. They're such funny little people.

These are my ideas for the next year of my life. I always feel like I never know what to do with myself if I don't have a million things going on at once.

At the doctor's office this morning, he asked if I was an anxious person. I said no, but my mom quickly laughed and corrected me.

I'd call it enthusiasm and drive, but if you want to call it anxiety, that's just fine.

Monday, August 23, 2010

This Thing Between My Lungs Is Making Me So Tired

Something is not right.

Waking up this morning I should be energetic, happy to be home, excited for upcoming adventures in the next two weeks...

This morning I woke up. The room was spinning. I don't drink, fyi, so I promise you, I'm not intoxicated.

Its taking a lot of mental effort to get me out to do something. This is such a sad and strange feeling. Maybe all the "go, go, go" of the last year has caught up with me.

I just want to sleep and watch trashy tv like Teen Mom and Bachelor Pad and turn my brain to mush.

I'll be productive tomorrow, I promise.

(Does Jillian Walker have days like this?)

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Your Nerves Gather With The Altitude

You commented on how I sometimes use a comma at the end of my sentences, instead of a period
And I told you that I guess it's because I'm not very good with goodbyes,

Boyfriend went home to Toronto again. I'm always so sad to say goodbye if I'm not the one leaving.
Now to plan the next two weeks in Edmonton, and get stuff on my to-do list done.
What can I do for two whole weeks?
Hang out with friends and family of course. Work. Work out every day. Perhaps do a road trip. Maybe go meet my friend Jillian Walker in person. I met her through twitter after she tweeted about reading my blog. I really want to meet her.
I've been having weird dreams since my skydiving experience, about me holding on to the parachute and letting go, falling to my death. And then I have dreams about sleeping alone in my basement-- which feels real, because I know that's where I am, and it feels like I am awake. Tonight I attempt sleeping in the basement alone. Night-light on standby.

Listen to this cover of Coldplay's Viva La Vida, done by Lady Gaga!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Ghost's Hour: Spook's Hour

Well, I did it. I jumped out of a plane at 12,500 feet!!!

Next up on conquering fears: My fear of the dark. I know, its pretty ridiculous.
My boyfriend and I have an air mattress set up at my parents' basement at the moment. (If you may recall, they knocked down my bedroom within 6 months of me moving.) Anyway, I'm terrified of my basement and I'm not sure where I'm going to sleep for the next two weeks after he goes home tomorrow.

Any advice for getting over a fear of the dark? Other than... "grow up, use a night-light, suck it up, etc." Seriously! I don't know what I'm afraid of. Ghosts? Intruders? The boogeymonster?

I guess when you're facing a fear, one of the best things to do is just jump right into it-- or out of it.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Be Dangerous... For Real This Time.

First off, I'd like to state that the night before last, I was flipping the channels and got caught on some sort of CSI show where they were investigating the death of a man whose skydiving experience went horribly wrong.

I also watched one too many youtube videos of skydiving experiences.

Skydiving was postponed due to the smoky weather from the BC forest fires. Therefore, if all goes well, I will be jumping out of a perfectly good plane with a parachute and a man who I will have briefly just met, strapped to my back.... tonight at 6:30.

I have appreciated your well wishes and inquiries of my health. Keep 'em comin.

And be dangerous.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Be Dangerous

Dear Readers,

Today, at 5:30pm I am jumping out of a perfectly good plane with a parachute and a man who I will have briefly just met, strapped to my back.

All should go well, and I will come back with a thrilling experience behind me, and a new perspective on life.

But in the case that I miss a blog post tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day... I'd just like to say thank you so much for the opportunity to write every day and express myself, and for people to read it too.

With lots of love,


Ps, be dangerous.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Angels Have No Philosophy But Love

What is being awake if not interpreting our dreams, or dreaming if not interpreting our wake?

Do you ever have those dreams that feel so real that it takes you a while realize it once you've woken up?

It happens. Sometimes I'll wake up from a nightmare and be scared that there's an intruder in my house. Sometimes if the radio or tv is on while I'm sleeping, what I hear will get mixed in with my dreams, and I'll wake up confused about reality.

This morning my boyfriend woke me up while searching for a spider. It took me a while to convince him that he was dreaming and there really wasn't a tarantula-sized spider in the room. It's a pretty amusing thing, but at the same time a very sweet thing, to calm down a grown man who is worked up from a bad dream.

It might seem obvious that we know our dreams from our waking life. If someone asks you how you can be sure, really sure, that you do not every morning fall asleep from the reality of flying through clouds and speaking with animals and cascading through time, to the dream life of going to school and doing the dishes and always seeing the same people again and again, you don't really have to argue with them. Or so it might seem.

Monday, August 16, 2010

When You Can't Go Back You Must Keep Moving Forward

There is an animal that can live forever! It is a beautiful, tiny kind of jellyfish called "Turritopsis Nutricula" and you know what? If they can do it, then maybe we can, too.

As you may have noticed, the blog has been COMPLETELY redesigned!!! Thanks a million to John! :)

I wrote a story about a musician always on the road, travelling through different time zones. But the watch on his wrist will always say what time it is at home. Every night, a different crowd and different sounds. The only thing constant is the complete unawareness of location and time. What a feeling: to wake up and not know if its late night or early morning. What a feeling: to wake up to voices from the other room and not recognize the accent. What a feeling: to wake up… to look at your watch and feel alone…

Sunday, August 15, 2010

"I Don't Think That There Are Any Limits To How Excellent We Could Make Life Seem."

Old peanuts collections have the best names ever. "Don't hassle me with your sighs, Chuck." and "Duck! Here comes another day." and "Kiss her, you blockhead." Charles Schulz taught people how to live.

Remember the LoveGivesMeHope blog post I wrote a few days ago?

The posts I read on gave me an idea to make my own notebook of memories and moments.

Its such a nice thing to keep memories written down to look back on. I guess thats a big thing about the blog too-- that I can write about anything and even if I don't get personal, I can remember exactly what I was feeling when I wrote those metaphors or quoted those lyrics. Although its different because it's open to absolutely anyone in the world to read-- people I know, people I don't know, people I used to know but have chosen to not know anymore. That's one thing that I'm not sure how comfortable I am about-- that I can come back to Edmonton and run into someone in a bar and try to catch up, but really, they've been reading the posts I've been writing every day for the last 8+ months and they already know. Not complaining-- I put it up here to be read, I love to connect with any of the readers.

Anyway, I'm making a notebook of memories. Just one liners or small paragraphs. Summaries of things that happened that made me feel good, or special, or loved.

Even the small things, like being surprised with your favorite cookie, or someone going out of their way to tell you something nice.

Make more effort to appreciate the small things

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Kiss No One But Me, Under The Apple Tree

"We could imagine all sorts of universes unlike this one, but this is the one that happened."

I'm home!!!

It's been an eventful 24 hours with arriving to Edmonton for the first time in 6 months, having my family meet my boyfriend, and seeing my grandparents again- who mean the world to me.

It was quite the special moment to be reunited with my grandparents. I should have been prepared with waterproof mascara. I'm pretty sure they are in love with John already because my Gido gave him a watch and wants to take pictures of us tomorrow.

My Gido has told us that he wants a picture of him shaking John's hand, of John carrying in vegetables from my grandparent's garden, and a picture of John and I kissing under their apple tree.

And he was crying while he told us this so of course I was quite the emotional mess as well.

Looking forward to tomorrow :D

Oh, and this is my mom's new office-- my old bedroom. They knocked down the wall and removed all of my stuff!
...Hate to admit, it looks pretty nice (ignore the terrible blackberry camera quality...and John pretending to be on the phone haha)

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

Do you ever find yourself lying in bed next to the one you love and think....
"I could punch them square in the face right now".

Why is that the first thought after "Aww, look how peaceful they are"?


I went to the John Mayer concert yesterday. I was surprised. He played everything I wanted to hear and more. And he taught me that loneliness is all in your head. Your mind does the most F*ed up things when you're lonely. Or when you think you're lonely. Me acknowledging this won't prevent me from being lonely ever again. It's one of the worst, but most common emotions. You can experience several different degrees of it several times a day.

I saw lots of re-posts yesterday of yesterday's blog, so I take it that you enjoyed the video. Sweet :)
Enjoy this one... I sure do ;)

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I Dare You Not To Cry

The emotional blog posts are not stopping here.

I saw this video yesterday with the title: "I Dare you not to cry"
...I didn't last 10 seconds, and its 10 minutes long and I cried through the whole thing.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Happy Hour Is A Nap

Reasons why I feel that I am getting old
  • I cry a lot of happy tears. All the time!!
    You bought me flowers? Aww! *tear.
    You paid for my transportation to Ajax? Aww! *tear.
    You made my bed for me?! Aww!!!!!! *tear
  • When I don't hear from someone for a while I start to worry that they're dead. I blame this emotion on my mother.
  • I'm having a lot of dreams about Dan Akroyd...? I have no idea why.
  • When Tiffany goes out for the evening I feel I have Empty Nest Syndrome
  • I recently had a heated argument about mortgages
  • Instead of flipping straight to the entertainment section of the newspaper, I go to the stock market
  • Last but not least, I'm eating vegetables without being told to.
Who have I become!?

I wonder if my parents had empty nest syndrome when I left home.
Probably not. More like... we-now-have-an-empty-bedroom, lets-renovate-and-increase-the-value-of-our-house and-make-her-sleep-on-the-couch-when-she-comes-to-visit... syndrome

I also laugh at my own jokes.

John squishing the CN tower. HA!

Friday, August 6, 2010

I Can Do This On My Own

Isn't the courageous thing about being free, being able to cast off everything you love? It is easy enough for someone who is not neurotic (though few of us are not neurotic) to cast off whatever they do not love. But love makes prisoners of us all

I've been thinking lately about the decisions I've made. And the decisions I didn't make. Which I guess will always lead back to the decisions I have made.

Like being offered everything you've ever wanted--- before you're ready for it. And then still reaching for it for months or years afterward. Maybe the rest of your life. You never know if it would have worked out or if you would be worse off.

I think of the "what ifs" but I have no regrets. I've got nothing but time.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Good Luck, All Of You, Finding Love Wherever You Look Or Don't Look For It

"love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."

Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value.
Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point -
That others will be preferred and rewarded more than you.
There is only one alternative - self-value.
If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved.
You will always think it's a mistake or luck.
Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within.
Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences.
Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security.
Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them.
-Jennifer James

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Kiss Me Goodbye, I'm Defying Gravity

I found some train tracks through Toronto, a parking lot for a picnic at two in the morning, things to be sad about but hopeful, choices that back up what we say, playgrounds to climb on, roofs to scratch elbows against, cars to jump over, warnings to leave for others

Yesterday I wrote a story about the fat lady. Not just any fat lady. THE Fat lady. You know the one... "It's not over until the fat lady sings". I wrote a story about her, and how she's taking revenge and waiting until you least expect it to jump out and end things.
Like right in the middle of a romantic dinner--- It's over.
Right at the good part in an action/suspense movie--- It's over.

Speaking of romantic dinner... It's my boyfriend's birthday today! I think I'm more excited for it than he is, because I have huge surprise plans!! ...which I was about to post on here-- cause its not like he reads this anyway-- but I'll post everything this weekend (possibly with pictures) when it's all over.

In other news, did you know that the United States tried to rename French Fries to Freedom Fries when the congress of the USA had an argument with France??

It's like if there was an independent nation called heroin and we got mad at it and we were like "We're renaming heroin freedom". The nation of heroin would probably be like, "Thank you!"

...the things you learn from Nerd Fighters.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Whispers For Secrets

I walked around uptown today for almost 2 hours talking to myself, and hoping I wouldn't see anyone I knew. I avoided my own reflection in the store front windows, and thought about the time you told me you always check my horoscope too.

Sometimes its the wrong people
that notice
how much you do
or how much you go out of your way
or tell you
how successful you'll be
or how proud they are of you
or care to
answer their phones
send the occasional message
reply to the occasional message

I don't think it ever ends-- letting go. It's unfortunate that sometimes we have to go through a process of losing in order to gain.

Metric will be playing a "secret gig" at Union subway station tomorrow (August 4th) at 7pm.