Saturday, November 26, 2011

The Longing We Wrap Ourselves In

It's been a whole month, I can't even go minutes without thinking of you. I relive that day in my mind and it never gets easier. Absolute horror. The tearful message on the other end of the phone, immediate loss of breath, and indescribable pain in my heart. A million questions but all I could scream was one word. Where do we put the longing and how do we build a place inside ourselves strong enough to endure the ache? I love you more than you know, KG

How do we stop counting the days, when it’s the hours that
taunt us and the fact will always remain that it’s every single
minute that you are not near me that attach to me like thousands
of anchors and pull me deeper beneath the surface.  I am drowning
and choking and gasping for breath but it is not the water that
I am drowning in, there are no swallowed fish in these lungs and I cannot
taste the sea.  Drowning not in water but in the sheer volume
of tears that have gone unwiped by fingers taking leave of my
hand they were holding.  Choking not on a lack of air but on the lack
of you and the number of moments left unshared between us.  On the
life that flows beyond us endlessly while we sit on the shore
and wait to be ready to dip our toes in, ready to jump with
our clothes on.  

Is this what you wished for on all of the candles on all of the
birthday cakes from when you were tiny?  Did you watch the smoke
rise to the ceiling and believe with all your little heart that your
wish rose with it, disappearing into everywhere the instant it was
received by whomever would do the receiving.  I want to somehow
tell you that I can feel my childhood inside me, screaming and 
slapping the walls of my chest and when those tiny hands are covered
in the red of this aching and they match the color of those tiny knees
and the weight of it all crumples her tiny body to the floor of my 
insides what then do I say?  Do I apologize and re-light every candle
ever blown out in some weak and hollow attempt to repent for the
madness we will one day face, the longing we will wrap ourselves in?

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