Monday, June 18, 2012

You Are A Mystery I Promise I Will Never Try To Solve

We were the letters sent to the wrong address and opened anyway. We opened anyway.

I've been pulling out my pieces one by one. A combination of wobbling, anticipating crumbling, but ultimately finding my new balance. I always hated the game of Jenga, but apparently it's one of those things I keep coming back to. There are always those things, places, or even people that, despite your best intentions, you keep coming back to. The ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it's sent away. 

My throat has been sore for days and regardless of what science and swab procedures might determine, I've always looked at my physical disease coming to be from emotional manifestation. At this point, I've been pondering if my body is telling me I need to spend more time listening, and therefore stifling my ability to speak - or if the fight between my head and my heart has lodged itself in-between until further notice.

The bad news: There is no key to the universe
The good news: It was never locked.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Ask Me Where I'm Going -- Who Knows? Ahead.

Whatever relationships you have attracted in your life at this moment, are precisely the ones you need in your life at this moment. There is a hidden meaning behind all events, and this hidden meaning is serving your own evolution.
-Deepak Chopra

The universe is a funny thing. It works exactly how you need it to, even if you don't know how you need it to. It makes you learn things the hard way. I've been given the opportunity to re-evaluate what's important in my life; Realign my priorities with my actions.

I've incorporated a rule into my life that I've followed quite strictly. It has been a rule of balance. Three facets of life: Family, Friends, Work. I've followed this rule quite diligently, always careful not to let one get ahead of the other, and when one seemed to fall behind, sacrifice the time of the other two to make sure the weaker becomes strong again. The results have been astounding. I feel confident calling myself Daughter, Sister, Niece, Cousin, Girlfriend, Best Friend, Leader, Follower, Teacher, Student. I've given myself close to no chance to mess this up. Always staying on track. Focused. Determined. Assertive. Attentive. And  very, very passionate. Even in the last while, I've learned so much. Knowing when to listen, when to not, when to put my foot down, and when to give a bit more.

Along the way, there was one minor oversight... Me. While I was busy being a daughter to my mother, a friend to my buddies, turning point to my business, I forgot to be me to myself. Don't get me wrong, the system would never work if I didn't have my head on my shoulders. It's much more simple than that.

I know how shallow the water is. Why are we still diving then? Can't blame a fool for trying? You sure can!!! Hold your head up high, it's the last living sign of any sort of confidence. Hands up if you can't feel the bottom yet! Sometimes the mistakes we make in life aren't really mistakes. The universe gives you a kick in the pants when you have ignored and resisted every push it had already attempted to give you in the right direction. There are better things ahead than any we leave behind. Best to make those steps before the universe decides to break your leg.

There's no such thing as running away from your problems. They will follow you no matter the distance. You take your heart with you wherever you go and taking it to a prettier environment won't make it ache any less. I remained in place. I healed. I reached out. Tied up loose ends. Toronto holds such a special place in my heart. Purpose served. Paid in full. Goals achieved and belief systems created. I hope the mentors in my life realize how much I appreciate them for helping me to get where I am now: in service. I can't stop smiling. Thank you universe.

Thank you, more please.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

I Have Little Tolerance For Love That Is Conditional

All you need is love plus an instruction manual for what to do with it once you've found it.

As long as I keep running about asking: “Do you love me? Do you really love me?” I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with “ifs.” The world says: “Yes, I love you if you are good-looking, intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much.” There are endless “ifs” hidden in the world’s love. These “ifs” enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world’s love is and always will be conditional.

Monday, March 26, 2012

I Figure If A Girl Wants To Be A Legend She Should Just Go Ahead And Be One

“We are the girls with anxiety disorders, filled appointment books, five-year plans. We take ourselves very, very seriously. We are the peacemakers, the do-gooders, the givers, the savers. We are on time, overly prepared, well read, and witty, intellectually curious, always moving… We pride ourselves on getting as little sleep as possible and thrive on self-deprivation. We drink coffee, a lot of it. We are on birth control, Prozac, and multivitamins… We are relentless, judgmental with ourselves, and forgiving to others. We are the daughters of the feminists who said, “You can be anything,” and we heard,
You have to be everything.””

-Courtney Martin

Friday, March 2, 2012

What It Feels Like When Your Heart Grows Back

If you're tired of trying to fall asleep, sleep on it and try again tomorrow.

If you're all out of promises, I have one left for you: The Earth is still here as long as you're alive.

If you want to yell out your frustrations, I'll understand, just understand that the whole world is screaming, mostly complaining about the noise.

If you're worried about having the poetry knocked out of you of you when you're older, don't. Old blood bleeds as good as new.

If you've got nothing left to feel, just pay the bill and walk away.

If there's anything else, let me know.
I wrote this for you

Saturday, January 14, 2012

A Broken Staircase With Fresh Paint

I said to the sun "tell me about the Big Bang".
The sun said: "It hurts to become".
I carried that hurt on the tip of my tongue
and whisper "Bless your heart" every chance I get
so my family tree can be sure I have not left.
You do not have to leave to arrive, I am learning this slowly
Sometimes when I look in the mirror 
my eyes look like the holes in the shoes of the shoe-shine man.
Some days my hands are busy on the wrong thing
Some days I call my arms wings 
while my head is in the clouds
It will take me a few more years to learn flying is not pushing away the ground.
But safety isn't always safe, 
you can find one in every gun
I am aiming to do better

I am more honest than I should be more often than I should be. I am an open book and some things you can't change. I have always been a writer. It's time I start writing some of this open book in invisible ink. So that only the few that care to look close enough will put me under their ultraviolet light to decode what I'm trying to say. I can no longer go out of my way to try to explain myself. Because what I'm trying to say is, there are things I want to say in a language I do not yet know how to speak.

I am waiting. And while I'm waiting I am learning. This sense of impending something weighs heavy on my shoulders these days. Some days very strongly on my heart. Overwhelmed with change and new information. I have left some of my main commitments, given a large portion of my things away, said goodbye (see you later) to people, absolute sweethearts really, whom I have invested my heart and soul in. Because I have just recently realized how much I have been carrying over the last few years and realizing that my arms can only hold so much. I am learning how not to take on others' contagious emotions if they are the ones that drain me. I am learning how to navigate through obstacle courses of communication. I am learning to heal, protect and recharge. I am learning I cannot give infinitely, no matter how much I really desperately and passionately try to fight that fact. The hardest thing I am learning how to do is to sleep. Discipline. So many ideas, so much work, and really... so little time. The best ideas are the ones that keep you up. I have been up. Consistently. For a long time. There are not nearly enough hours in the night. I could use another eight, easily.

I like the open-endedness of "what could go wrong" plus the fact that there's only one way to find out...