Saturday, January 14, 2012

A Broken Staircase With Fresh Paint

I said to the sun "tell me about the Big Bang".
The sun said: "It hurts to become".
I carried that hurt on the tip of my tongue
and whisper "Bless your heart" every chance I get
so my family tree can be sure I have not left.
You do not have to leave to arrive, I am learning this slowly
Sometimes when I look in the mirror 
my eyes look like the holes in the shoes of the shoe-shine man.
Some days my hands are busy on the wrong thing
Some days I call my arms wings 
while my head is in the clouds
It will take me a few more years to learn flying is not pushing away the ground.
But safety isn't always safe, 
you can find one in every gun
I am aiming to do better

I am more honest than I should be more often than I should be. I am an open book and some things you can't change. I have always been a writer. It's time I start writing some of this open book in invisible ink. So that only the few that care to look close enough will put me under their ultraviolet light to decode what I'm trying to say. I can no longer go out of my way to try to explain myself. Because what I'm trying to say is, there are things I want to say in a language I do not yet know how to speak.

I am waiting. And while I'm waiting I am learning. This sense of impending something weighs heavy on my shoulders these days. Some days very strongly on my heart. Overwhelmed with change and new information. I have left some of my main commitments, given a large portion of my things away, said goodbye (see you later) to people, absolute sweethearts really, whom I have invested my heart and soul in. Because I have just recently realized how much I have been carrying over the last few years and realizing that my arms can only hold so much. I am learning how not to take on others' contagious emotions if they are the ones that drain me. I am learning how to navigate through obstacle courses of communication. I am learning to heal, protect and recharge. I am learning I cannot give infinitely, no matter how much I really desperately and passionately try to fight that fact. The hardest thing I am learning how to do is to sleep. Discipline. So many ideas, so much work, and really... so little time. The best ideas are the ones that keep you up. I have been up. Consistently. For a long time. There are not nearly enough hours in the night. I could use another eight, easily.

I like the open-endedness of "what could go wrong" plus the fact that there's only one way to find out...