Thursday, January 31, 2013

When You Tough It Out And Stay The Course, There’ll Come A Day When You Look Back And Seriously Wonder What All The Fuss Was About.

I'm so all over the place. I tried to lock the fridge with my car remote after putting my lunch in it this morning.

Take a deep breath. Ground yourself. Find your center. Where are you?
Universe. Milky Way. Earth. North America. Canada.
Alberta. Edmonton. My Office. Here.

Phones ringing right off our desks. Emails that come in faster than I can read them. Handfuls of entourage to coordinate, and lights and sound and music to produce.

I have a box I keep things in that I never want to lose. I wish I could put this feeling in it.

...this is what I live for :)

I could live off this adrenaline my work gives me, this buzz and vibration I've been standing on for the last few days. I also had a shot at lunch, so that might support the cause. I don't drink, but a fellow businessman bought it for me, so it was the polite thing to do. Salud!

Living in the "now" because I'm so wrapped up in what I'm doing and what I love, I don't have time to live in anything else! I could stay up here forever, but when I inevitably come down from this high, I can reassess.
This is where I am, this is where I stand, this is what I feel.

Carmel always says "I'm just trying to be the best spiritual person I can", reminding us that we're all human. We have egos. So last night when we encountered an obstacle in our work she turned to me and said "I'm trying to be spiritually pissed off!". We can feel mad, upset, anger, sadness, pain. It's about finding the positive in the negative, and acting from a place of love and honesty and authenticity.

I don't know what you've gone through. I don't know the life you've lived. I don't know what side of the bed you woke up on this morning. I don't know what life lessons you chose to learn in this lifetime.
"I don't know" is my favorite position.

I learned last night that sometimes the best thing I can do for someone who is struggling is to say "have a nice fall". If I interfere with this struggle they've chosen... I'm interfering with a lesson they've chosen to learn in this lifetime. If I try to "help" by saving them from the fall, the universe will continue to provide more learning opportunities to let them fall again. I'd rather be broken than saved from that fall. I'd rather learn my lesson hard and put my broken pieces back together myself. The first time. And then move on. When you get the lesson, that's when they'll stop trying to give it to you.

You can't build a foundation in a storm. You can try, but it will keep getting torn apart and washed away. It will take a lot of energy and it will hurt. Do what you have to do until the sun rises again and the clouds clear. Then you will get what you want.

How do I know that I don't need what I want?
Because I don't have it.

Song Of The Day: Stay- Rihanna

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

If You Understood The Extraordinary Gifts Every Challenge Makes Possible, You’d Celebrate Them As Omens Of New Beginnings.

Sometimes, when it seems your wings have suddenly been clipped, maybe there’s more to learn by staying where you are. Maybe not. You decide.

Friday in the middle of the night I woke up in a panic, and searched frantically through my bed for my eye mask. I was half asleep and worried about not being able to find it because I kept thinking to myself "I can't sleep without it!"

Minutes later after I had woken up a little more, I stopped searching and realized:
...I haven't slept with an eye mask for months. I don't need it.

It was a strange flashback to experience in the middle of the night. It's true that I used to be dependent on it. I could not sleep without it. My eyes had to be covered by this mask. And it had to be this mask.

I had formed a fear of the dark over a year ago while dealing with a death. For the first few days after the news came, I didn't sleep until the sun came up. The night felt too eerie. Then the first month or so I slept with full lights on. Then for next two months after, I slept with a lamp or night light. I feared the dark because things felt more sensitive when I couldn't see everything around me. I slept with the mask because although I was scared of the dark, I have trouble sleeping unless it's dark. I left the lights on and if I woke up scared, I could easily pull off the mask quickly and be able to see everything around me. I eventually acknowledged how irrational this fear was and I faced it. I embraced the dark again, but I still slept with the sleep mask for another year and gradually worked my way out of needing it.

I laughed in that moment when I realized I had been looking for something I didn't need anymore, nor did I even want anymore.

In this moment that I had been brought to remember my past fear - only to discover that it's a fear I've long let go of - I asked: What other irrational fears do I hold on to? What other irrational fears are coming to the surface at the most irrational times? What are the elements attached to these fears that I don't need anymore? Or even want?

Fear of the dark - being attached to a sleep mask.
Fear of being wrong - being attached to being right, taking away from potentially valuable lessons and growth experiences.
Fear of losing important people in my life  - being attached to people that may not be meant to stay, taking away from potentially valuable people meant to come into my life
Fear of not being worthy - attached to need for approval.

And when I compile the list like that with the elements attached, it seems so obvious. Let go. There's so much freedom in not being attached to outcome. The weight lifts instantly. Trust.

Worthiness has been a big topic of thoughts and discussion lately and we could all use the reminder: your worthiness is never in question. You will always have everything you deserve, and you decide what you deserve. I blogged this before and I'll blog it again: It's scary to jump off a cliff. But life is also scary even if you don't jump of a cliff once in a while. You have to get out of your comfort zone to reach a higher level of comfort. Think bigger - you deserve luxury. There will always be another cliff.

Of course it's hard at first. You're going where you've never gone.
My note from the universe:

Believe me, I know all about it. I know the stress. I know the frustration. I know the temptations of time and space. Marley, we worked this out ahead of time. They're part of the plan. We knew this stuff might happen. Actually, you insisted they be triggered whenever you were ready to begin thinking thoughts you've never thought before.

Good on you,
    The Universe
Song of the day: Pieces- Sum41

Monday, January 28, 2013

I've Got 99 Problems And A Red Balloon Ain't One!

“That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.”

I got in a car accident this weekend. I spun out of control and landed in the ditch. I'm really grateful that all I walked away with were bruises, headaches and soreness -- it could have been a lot worse. Even though the Universe is gentle with my lessons, that one really shook me.

Veered off the straight road
Needed a lift to find my way back.
Saw it all coming and it still happened.

But I'm safe.

I thought about how quickly it happened. One minute I was on the road, the next I was not. I thought about how I scold Keghan when he's not wearing a seatbelt in my car, and why these are the moments when it's so important. I thought about who I should call first. I thought about guard rails, and why there wasn't one there to keep me on the road. Then the more I thought about it, I realized how scratched and banged up my car could have been if there had been a guard rail to slide into. Even if the guard rail was there to keep me on the same road, the results would have led to more visible damage. Instead I went right into the snow, leaving my vehicle still intact and without a single dent or scratch.

Last week I asked for a sign. I asked that if I'm meant to stay where I am to show me a sign. Making it more specific for the Universe, I asked "Show me a red-heart shaped balloon." That's how I ask for signs. I put my intention out there, ask for what information I need, and I let it go.

Yesterday while stopped at a red light, I turned to my right and saw A BALLOON STORE! This is a road I take fairly regularly and I had never seen it in my life. The window was filled with balloons. Big beautiful blues, greens, polkadots, stripes, congratulatory ones, animated characters... and among them, my red heart-shaped balloon. I had to search through the sights of all these other beautiful balloons competing for my attention, but it was there. I expressed my gratitude and continued on my drive. Thanks, but what does that mean? I had gotten my red heart-shaped balloon, but with a twist.

Within the next few hours things in my life had shifted significantly. I met a woman I had many synchronicities with. We were complete strangers but had lots of friends and experiences in common, and a very similar life path. She had a kyanite stone in her pocket. I had a kyanite stone in my pocket. She had just bought a lapis lazuli stone. I was wearing lapis lazuli earrings. A moment I couldn't find words for. We shared some tears and I went home with a beautiful gift from her. I had a heartfelt realization. God is in the pots and pans, she told me. I had heard this before but it wasn't until that moment when it really clicked. My day continued with a difficult and teary conversation. Followed by my drive into the ditch. Luckily without injuries and gratefully, with eager helpers that had the tools to pull me out quickly. The key point is that I was recovered quickly and painlessly.

With all that had happened it was an emotional day. I had a hard time staying present in conversations. I was calm but drifting in my ability to concentrate and focus. It was a strange state to be in. I slept on it and dreamt of balloons. When I woke in the morning I found the image below at the top of my news feed. I don't think it could get any more clear. Thanks for the clarification.

I've veered off my current path and continued on to a new one. I needed a lift to get there, which came quickly and painlessly, but I'm there. I'll be honest, I'm a little cautious to take that road again. I won't know when it's right but I'll know when it feels wrong. I know I will take that road again, but perhaps not until the snow melts and the icy patches are gone. I can't risk getting stuck in the ditch again or being in an even worse situation by colliding with or hurting someone else. So maybe in the spring. Spring sounds good.

...This isn't about the road and my car anymore is it?
...Was it ever? ;)

“How can the future be molded with hands full of baggage labeled “What Was” and “What Could’ve Been?” Where can you go with all that stuff, and how much fun will you have with it when you get there? Leave those bags behind, and hope they stay lost before you get to your next destination. All right, take a few souvenirs if you must, but just nice stuff. No junk.”
Song of the day: Sunburn - Ed Sheeran

Friday, January 25, 2013

How We Wait Is Just As Important As What We Are Waiting For

Life will work for us when we realize that we must learn how to wait. 

Sometimes it's hard to wait. We wait in fear, we wait in anger, we wait in confusion and sometimes we even wait in indifference. Then there are times we wait helplessly, hopelessly, with our head's bowed and our hands in our pockets. How we wait is just as important as what we are waiting for. 

Waiting is the realization that God knows what he has done, will do, and can do. While waiting, your job is to put your faith into that realization. Waiting requires joy accompanied by the belief that what you need or request WILL be provided by God. Waiting is knowing and accepting that if it is good for you, if it will bless you and others, then what you request must happen ..but will happen in God's way. Waiting is having enthusiasm and excitement about where you are right now on the journey. Waiting is clarity about the "how comes" and " what for's" of yesterday that have prepared you for " YOUR GOODNESS" of tomorrow. YES! Waiting is good! However if you can not wait peacefully, faithfully, confidently,joyfully,gratefully and lovingly then you are waiting in vain! Today be prepared to look at how you are waiting for something and be willing to make any changes that allow you to trust, believe pray ..and then LET IT GO TO GOD.
~Iyanla Vanzant~ 

Lovely Carmen.

She listens patiently and quietly as I rant, and scream, and throw tantrums. She smiles. She smiles even bigger on the inside and reminds me: "Inner self, please."

And my emotions magically melt away. A big sigh of relief in very little words. She gets me. She reminds me to get off the rollercoaster, leave the amusement park, and take the slide instead. The slide has an end point.

It's because of those words that I've been able to stay centred these last few weeks. In my moments that I sense my emotions or my ego going out of control I hear her voice: "Inner self, please".

Ego, we are never, ever, ever getting back together.

She's on the road a lot but I'm so grateful to have her in my life every day despite physical distance. And funny enough, I just realized I somewhat do have her somewhat physically every day... For her birthday we made a cardboard cut out of her and a [video - click to watch] of our team wishing her a happy birthday (my favorite part is at 2:58 -- that was hard to keep a straight face behind the scenes while filming). Cardboard Carmen now protects my office and is the first thing you see upon entering.

I met Bruno Mars with my friend Steve years ago in Toronto and unfortunately he wasn't in the greatest mood, but it's undeniable how freakin' talented he is. And recently I found out he's been honing this talent since age 4! You have to see this video of him as the youngest Elvis impersonator. Make sure you watch his lips when the interviewer asks Bruno what he likes about Elvis. 

And THE best live video of "Locked Out Of Heaven"

Today's song of the day:If I knew - Bruno Mars

Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Horror You Face Today Will Become The Funny Story You Tell Tomorrow. In The End, Everything Is Overcome And A Life Is Lived.

People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.

I really want to let people be who they are. I don't want to interfere. It's quite the miracle to discover yourself. I consider it a privilege to be able to witness the exploration.

I want to watch your excitement and optimism that anything is possible, that dreams can come true and that you can be anything you want to be when you grow up. No matter how unrealistic it may be. The realization that your success and happiness is defined by how many nights you go to sleep beaming from what you experienced that day and how many mornings you wake thrilled about the next 24 hours you have ahead of you. Your world is filled with people who fulfill you and moments that feed your soul. I want to watch you uninhibited and unscathed from discouragement. I want to see your pride in that moment that you know you've made it.

I want to watch the sudden amnesia from past wounds as you blissfully jump head first into another heart, completely ignoring that it could very well end up broken and in pieces like last time. Even if it does, it's all worth it in the end isn't it? The pain? The joy? Once it's over you can acknowledge how those puzzle pieces fit into your life and why they make up the picture. Maybe your heart beats a little differently than it did before but those are your battle wounds -- you faced your match head on, and the result isn't defined by whether you won or lost. You won by just being there.

I want to watch you make mistakes. I want to watch you struggle and hurt and ache. So that one day you know exactly why you had to go through that. That moment of revelation when you say "It all makes sense now!!!" Under your life resume you've got that experience down pat. You are overqualified for this. You got this! Heartbreak, grief, anxiety: been there, done that! Proved you're strong enough to pick yourself up and recover. Torn, then gutted. Twice. And managed to survive both times. Life is beautiful.

The heart is a muscle like any other and the best exercise you can do for it is called picking yourself up off the floor.

The best relationships and conversations I have are the ones where you can turn yourself inside out and pour all of your contents out on the floor. I want to see all your pieces. I love to hear your stories of how you transformed, and what might have hurt you along the way. Most importantly what you learned and why you're better for it and how it's all worth it. Every single person and experience that comes into your life is because you picked them.

I asked Keghan the other day what he wants to be when he grows up. He hardly took a moment to think about it before responding "I want to be Keghan when I grow up." He said it so matter-of-factly too. Thank God for you I thought.

I had this moment yesterday where I thought "I really like the person I am, and am becoming". I hope you all take a moment to feel that today too,

Song of the day: Everything Will Be Alright - Joshua Radin

Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Everything Has Changed And Yet, I Am More Me Than I've Ever Been

Not everyone is okay with living like an open wound. But the thing about open wounds is that, well, you aren’t ignoring it, you're healing, the fresh air can get to it. It’s honest. You aren’t hiding who you are. You aren’t rotting. People can give you advice on how to heal without scarring badly. But on the other hand there are some people who’ll feel uncomfortable around you. Some will even point and laugh. But we all have wounds. Anyway. I guess what I’m saying is that, I’m grateful.


I'm not sure if I woke up on the right side of the bed today. I've been experiencing a small series of nightmares and the one this morning had me scream myself awake. Let me tell you, waking up to your own scream is not the best alarm clock.

Lately my nightmares have been based on my fears of things I do not want to happen. I accept that it's almost a good thing that my subconscious is putting me through living my fears in dreams so that I would know what it would feel like. In addition, giving me the ability to experience it in dreamworld and know that I can overcome it.

Fear works for you, in a way. It can work in your favor. It makes you acknowledge your issues and overcome them. The Universe uses them to point out your belief systems.

Do I believe that I am worthy? Or do I believe that I don't deserve this job, relationship, opportunity, etc? If I trust that I am worthy of all good that comes my way, the flow of good things will continue. If I send mixed signals, the results will be mixed as well. The stress can pile up. Stress is the alarm clock that wakes you up and says "this isn't where you are supposed to be". If God created his Universe with word ("let there be light") I can too with my thoughts and beliefs.

I believe that I can solve my problems with inner work.
I believe that progress happens fast for me
I believe that opportunities come to me easily and frequently.
I believe that I always have more than enough.
I believe that people naturally feel very comfortable around me and open up to me with ease, inspiring deep conversations and mutual growth.
I believe that the people in my life love and support me unconditionally and always have my best interest at heart.

How easy it is to forget this though, when life gets in the way. I get in my own way quite often -- I'm a work in progress. It's the I can't do this thoughts that shut down everything I just stated that I believe in. There's a lot of freedom letting go of your fears or need to control; trusting that things will fall into place effortlessly when you get out of the way.

If I can't trust others I can trust myself. If I can't trust myself, I can trust The Universe.

I guess it's those jolt-out-of-bed-in-a-sweaty-panic moments that make you realize this.

You are far too smart to be the only thing standing in your way
When you realize how perfect everything is,
you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky
Song Of The Day
Porcelain - Mariana's Trench

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Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The Soul Misses The Falling Eyelash Waiting To Be Wished.

“Love is the answer, said the songs, and that’s okay. It was okay, I supposed, as an answer. But no more than that. It was not a solution; it wasn’t really even an answer, just a reply.”

I notice you have limbs and a head and I really like that in a person. I also notice your heart beats and you've got a mind that thinks... I'm kind of into that. You walk by putting one foot in front of the other and that is so attractive. I bet when you feel intense emotions your heart just starts to race. That's kind of what I'm feeling right now. I can just imagine that the life you've had, taking each day 24 hours at a time. Sleeping and rising and filling your life with as much purpose as you can hold. Your life is just beautiful. Wow. You're quite incredible. You. Yes you!

I'm trying my best to love my best even through frustration, stress, and negativity. When people attack you and you send love in return, your work is done. When a friend confides in me of a negative situation or relationship I try to encourage: "love them through it". We're all fighting a hard battle -- or so I've heard ;)

Since I don't know the life you've lived, what you've been through, or what side of the bed you woke up on this morning, I can only hope that I can do my best to love you through whatever you're experiencing. But sometimes I may need to love you from a distance if the space is necessary and that's okay. 

Contrary to what would seem like logical thinking, putting up your defenses actually inspires others to put up their offenses. The truly defenseless need no defense, if you know what I mean.

En garde,

Song of the day
LaLaLie- Jack's Mannequin
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Monday, January 21, 2013

“You Don’t Get To Choose If You Get Hurt In This World But You Do Have A Say In Who Hurts You.”

“He was silent for thirty seconds, maybe a minute. I uncrossed my legs under the table and wondered if this was the right moment to leave. It was as if my whole life revolved around trying to judge the right point in a conversation to say goodbye.”

Who gets your pillow talk? 

Your most honest and revealing conversations. The last words before sleep, or first ones in the morning while returning from the dream world. In those intimate moments, the most honest things can be expressed. 

As I shed my clothes from the day now behind me, I shed my layers with them. I shed my encounters with loved ones and strangers I met that day, my shared laughs, my real emotions. As I lay my head on the pillow that supports me and I cover my body in the blanket that protects me, embracing that feeling of warmth and security... truer words have never been spoken.

I'd sacrifice sleep for pillow talk. Give me a dose of your truth. Show me what's real. I can rest easy on the trust between two hearts, two mouths, and two overactive, perhaps over-sensitive imaginations.

Maybe we talked all day. Text, Calls, Facetime, Email, Twitter, Carrier Pigeon, Smoke Signals; it's possible to be connected in every moment and still at the end of the night we haven't had enough. Maybe it's just the sound of the other person's silence. Silence of understanding, interest, intrigue, comfort in just knowing you're there.

But I haven't been there. I haven't been there for you. I haven't asked how you've been. How your day went. What you had for lunch. What your first song was today when you turned on the radio and why you think "x" lyric resonates with your life. What you think about how when I asked for a sign that I heard your last name three times in one day. And how when I asked for another sign, someone unrelated to you but with your last name contacted me to ask me for a sign. True story. I haven't given away my pillow talk for a while now. I sacrificed my pillow talk for sleep. I sacrificed you for the ability to put my hand back on my heart and say "this is what's important". And say "this is not love".

I don't know how long I can do this, she said. I think The Universe has different plans for me. And we sat there in silence and I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to and this is the thing we all fight and if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again. And I sat there in silence because that is not something that can be said.

song of the day: Give Me Love: Ed Sheeran

Friday, January 18, 2013

“If The Only Prayer You Said Was Thank You, That Would Be Enough.”

“The sun is perfect and you woke this morning. You have enough language in your mouth to be understood. You have a name, and someone wants to call it. Five fingers on your hand and someone wants to hold it. If we just start there, every beautiful thing that has and will ever exist is possible. If we start there, everything, for a moment, is right in the world.”

Two nights ago my friend and mentor Carmel taught me:
"You can't feel grateful and crappy at the same time" -- so it's important to take time each day to find something to be grateful for.

So that night we made gratitude beads. And a promise that each day, several times a day, we'd take a break from our work, obligations, and reality in general to reflect on the things we are grateful for; one statement for each bead. Challenging ourselves to find gratitude even in our most stressful of issues.

You may have seen posts on facebook, twitter, and our story in several news outlets about Buddy and Maddy.

Buddy, a 2 year old yellow lab, and Maddy an 8 month old bulldog, went missing on December 29th from their home on an acreage near Sherwood Park area. Buddy was supposed to be on bed rest waiting for his surgery to repair a torn ACL which was supposed to happen within a few days. Without anyone knowing, he pushed through the screen door and Maddy followed so they could play outside -- which is not uncommon. They have a huge yard to roam around in, but the strange part was when they did not return and could not be found. A huge team of family, friends, and volunteers searched the area. We trudged through knee high snow at all hours, combed the bushes, climbed through the river valley and even rappelled down cliffs. We hired trackers, pet detectives, animal professionals, who followed footprints and ruled out coyote attack or any other type of predator. We made and posted hundreds of missing posters throughout the city. In response we heard stories from people throughout Alberta and surrounding provinces about their dogs going missing. We even found just from the surrounding area in Edmonton that approximately 20 dogs went missing within a month without any clue. Stories of dogs being taken from their own yards, with theories of fighting rings, or stealing dogs to resell or breed them for money. You can imagine the worry, concern, and utter sick-to-our-stomach emotions hearing these stories and the days passing by without a sign of the pups.

Buddy belongs to 12 year old Keghan. Keghan and Buddy are joined at the hip, everywhere Keghan goes, Buddy follows. Buddy could be with 20 people petting him and rubbing his belly but the moment Keghan gets up, he's with him. This summer Keghan fell off his bike and injured himself very badly. Buddy stayed with him the entire time, licking his hand as if to say "you're not alone". The paramedics even had to pry Buddy off of Keghan when the ambulance came. Keghan and Buddy go everywhere together and even sleep in the same bed at night. Since Buddy has been gone, Keghan has been sleeping on the couch and gazing through the window hoping his dog will run up the driveway at any moment and come back home. I've never seen a dog love anyone more than Buddy loves Keghan.

When Keghan was 4 years old, he had a dog just like Buddy, a golden lab named Tucker. His best friend. Animal lovers can understand the bond between a boy and his dog, there's nothing like it. One day when Keghan was going outside to play, Tucker ran with him right out the door and into oncoming traffic. Keghan helplessly stood and watched his dog get hit by a car. This experience haunted him for years. When he was ten, the family, during a very emotional conversation, realized the burden Keghan was still carrying from this event and the nightmares he still had. He had been asking for another yellow lab, but it wasn't until the family realized this that they agreed, and that's when they got Buddy. When the two met, the connection was instant. It was as though Tucker was reincarnated through Buddy. Buddy's full name is actually Tucker's Buddy, and his arrival in Keghan's life is what healed him from that traumatic incident when he was a child. Losing Buddy was like experiencing it all over again.

Last night we got a call from a woman who told us Buddy was in her front yard. She called his name and he ran toward her but unfortunately when they were close enough for her to touch him, he got startled and ran away. Quickly there was a team of volunteers searching the area and calling out for Buddy. And because of what happened last night, I now have more to add to my list of things to be grateful for:

I am grateful that we now know Buddy is alive. In addition, I'm grateful that the woman who spotted him in her yard was unable to catch him, because if we hadn't continued our search, we would not have met the other woman that said "No, I haven't seen a stray yellow lab in the area, just a stray little bulldog" - MADDY! At this point we weren't sure if Maddy could make it through these past 3 weeks but now we are so grateful to know they're both alive and that we're so close. Most importantly I'm grateful that very soon I get to witness Keghan's face light up when he is reunited with his best friend in the world.

Today is our miracle day. Today they come home.

With gratitude,


Song Of The Day: I Just Want You To Know - Backstreet Boys

Thursday, January 17, 2013

“A Part Of Kindness Consists In Loving People More Than They Deserve.”

When I am impatient, I know it's because I don't want to take the time to learn the lesson at hand. I want it done now. Or as I once heard: Instant gratification is not soon enough. There is always something to know. Patience is being at peace with the process of life, knowing that everything happens in the perfect time/space sequence. I'm not having completion now, then there is something more for me to know or do. Being impatient doesn't speed up the process; it only wastes time. So breathe, go within, and ask: "What is it I need to know?" Then patiently wait to receive the help that is all around you.

Affirm: All is well. I have everything I need now.
Louise Hay


My car is an instrument of The Universe.

It’s my place of reflection. My place to sing or cry my heart out in safety. My little sanctuary on wheels. I’ve noticed and really acknowledged lately that everything is a mirror for what I need to recognize in myself. Everything.

My relationships with others - their attitudes being a reflection of something going on within myself. A quick judgement of their self and an even quicker realization that what I recognize in them is actually something in me.
My body signals - for example, my recurrent throat issues. Sore throat. Strep throat. Laryngitis. Bronchitis. And as I’m sure you can agree… ain’t nobody got time for that. My body is pointing out my need for expression.
My car mechanisms. 

Two days before I moved from Toronto back to Edmonton, I was offered a job. An amazing job. A travel-the-world-and-meet-incredible-people job. Voice inside said “this is a test”. The whole 5 hours on the plane to Edmonton and about three weeks following, were overflowing with anxiety. Am I staying or going? To be completely honest, I had no idea what I was going to do in Edmonton. I blindly followed my intuition back home, knowing I'd be provided for once I planted my feet. Apparently my little vehicle recognized and reflected the struggle. It was in perfect working condition, just checked and inspected in top shape. Within two weeks, things started to go. First, my signals. My windshield washer pump. The locks on the driver door, followed by the locks on the passenger door.

My signals wouldn’t turn on at all. Just as I didn’t know if I was staying or going, I couldn’t tell people on the road along my path which direction I was going. Staying in Edmonton, or returning to Toronto. I waited it out. I did the inner work. I calmed down and allowed opportunities to come. After three weeks, my dream job opportunity appeared miraculously in front of me and shortly after I accepted the position… boom. They started working again. Such a relief, because I was not prepared to spend the $1400 to fix it.

My broken windshield washer pump meant that I couldn't clear my windshield. If things got messy, the washer fluid would sputter out, not even close to hitting the screen. I couldn't always see clearly ahead of me on my path. Or perhaps there were things I was not seeing or not willing to see.
Next, my locks. I had to unlock the passenger door with the key first before I could walk around to the driver door and let myself in. Really going out of my way to let myself into my own vehicle. Sometimes the driver door still wouldn't work and I'd have to crawl through the passenger door to get in. Annoying. And not ideal. I locked myself in and out of my car occasionally. Security. Safety. Not letting anyone in, including myself. This was happening at the same time that I was testing the waters of the dating pool. I've met truly great guys, absolute gentlemen. But it didn't feel right. I wasn't fully present. This was also around the same time that I admitted to myself that I had been denying my grieving process when I lost my cousin and best friend. I think it was the day after I had acknowledged my grief and that I wasn't in a position to date, that a mechanic friend contacted me and fixed all of my car problems. In addition he installed remote locks for free! Bonus! The Universe delivered bigger and better :)

A belief system I newly hold is that I can solve all of my problems with inner work. I don’t need to say a thing. An obstacle is presented and I believe it’s possible to overcome it without saying a word. Sometimes it’s the inner dialogue that is necessary to remove blockages and fix your flow. Not always the case, but it definitely helps to develop the path of least resistance.

This past weekend I was heading out to a friend’s place. I had been struggling with a personal decision for a long time and asking the Universe for a sign. As I mentioned, my car is often my sanctuary on wheels. If I’m not singing my heart out, sometimes the music is completely off and I drive around, talking things out.
Give me a sign. Tell me what to do.
Boom. My signal breaks again. It had been months of it working despite not having a mechanic touching it, and in that same moment I asked for a sign, my left signal broke. This time I could still use the signals, but my left one was constantly on. I said out loud “What the heck does that mean? If this is a sign, show me another one”. Seconds later the signal started to work again. And my iPod on shuffle started to play my meditation tracks one after another. On shuffle. With 300+ songs. I kept flipping through them. I got through almost 10 tracks in a row of meditation tracks until it went back to a song. It landed on “Again – NeedToBreathe”. Asking for more, I went to the next song “Last Straw- Jack’s Mannequin”. Songs that confirmed that I needed to take action by stepping away. My closest friends know that I often ask my iPod to show me a song that will give me a sign or advice towards a certain issue. I love you, friends, who ask what my song of the day is J.

So here I am, certain I’m communicating with a higher source right now. I expressed thanks and gratitude for being present and acknowledged the signs but… my left signal gets stuck again. And stayed stuck on left for 3 days. I'm certain that this problem remained because it knew that just giving me a sign wouldn't do it, I needed the constant reminder to actually take action: “Do the RIGHT thing”.

On Sunday night I got down to it. I reluctantly confronted a symbolical mirror I needed to break. An issue I saw in someone else that revealed itself to me as being an issue in myself. It sucked. I cried. I yelled. I ached. And the healing process began. Monday morning on my way to work. Boom. My signal lovingly said “thanks for your time!” and started working again. So thanks Universe. I get it.

Song of the day: Wicked Games - The Weekend

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

You're Here. You Matter. Enough Said.

When you are small like a teacup
it seems everyone has heavy hands.
But cracks give us character:
we can keep memories in the fractures
which would otherwise slide away.
I have learned to be unafraid of breaking,
and I hope you will do the same

Oh my god. What have I done? -- The first thoughts after pressing "publish" on yesterday's post. Am I really back? Can I do this? Am I ready to be honest and personal and open to literally anyone in the world that has internet connection?

That's when my best friend and conscience, Roma, reminded me: "Your blog was so real when you did it for yourself. So raw, and that's why I love it. As long as you remember why you write, you won't forget how you write."

I lost sight of that. When I started the blog it was 100% for myself and my expression. If people happen to read it and enjoy it... Bonus. Lovely. Awesome. I continue with that intention.

What made me become guarded and secretive of my life? Astrology would tell me it's because I'm a Scorpio. Perhaps this is true. Perhaps my planets weren't aligned, perhaps Mercury was in retrograde. Perhaps I needed time to breathe and heal and find my feet on my own without expressing it to the world. But I also have a grand trine in my chart, so things usually happen with ease and people are eagerly willing to lend a hand. Do you understand my astrology references? Me neither, hardly.

A mentor of mine told me yesterday that with life in general, I will not be lied to unless I am lying to myself. Ponder that. Everything is a mirror. This same woman, during a long period of silence while working, looked up at me and said very gently: "God is not the author of fear, you are." No other words. Just that. I love those moments.

Anything that hurts, that you have to heal from, that you forgive... fuels a poem. Creates beauty.

You don't have to take everything so seriously,


Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Next Time Someone Wants To Fit You Into A Mold, Tell Them That Your Jeans Are In The Wash, Your Angel's At The Mall, And Oprah's On The Other Line

The year of letting go, of understanding loss. Grace. Of the word ‘no’ and also being able to say ‘you are not kind’. The year of humanity/humility. When the whole world couldn’t get out of bed. Everyone I’ve met this year says the same thing ‘you are so easy to be around, how do you do that?’. The year I broke open and dug out all the rot with my own hands. The year I learned small talk. And how to smile at strangers. The year I understood that I am my best when I reach out and ask ‘do you want to be my friend?’. The year of sugar, everywhere. Softness. Sweetness. Honey honey. The year of being alone, and learning how much I like it. The year of hugging people I don’t know, because I want to know them. The year I made peace and love, right here.

A colleague yesterday asked me “Where are you?”. And something about that question really touched me. I haven’t gotten over it yet. Hearing that genuine and heartfelt question from across the table of “where is your head at right now?” just really moved something in me. Where am I?

I didn’t even realize it at the time that I was on a rollercoaster. But I’m out of the amusement park now. And I’m back. So where do we start? It’s almost like when you run into someone you went to school with eons ago and they’re like “Hey what’s new?” and you’re like “Oh I don’t know, everything!”. 

The things I've learned in the last year:
Transformation. How to transmute lead into gold. How to say no. How to say "you are not kind". How to say "this is not love". How to take my hand away from everything demanding it, put it back on my heart and say “this is what’s important”. How to exceed and ignore expectations at the same time.

Since I’ve been gone from BrightLightsBlog...
I moved back to Edmonton. It was scary, but life is a little scary even if you don’t jump off a cliff every once in a while. There’s always a higher cliff. It turned out to be the best decision of my life. Reunited with my family, and most importantly, myself. I found my dream job -- by the way, my words and blogs do not reflect the views of my employer and yaddayaddayadda. I found a spiritual community that keeps me safe. I grieved. I grieved some more. I thought I was done grieving and found myself crying to my boss at work about how I hadn’t even started to grieve and then began grief counseling. Ha. That was a good day for our bonding. Truly, he’s a good man and was a good listener that day. I so appreciate him. I met some soulmates. Please know I use the term soul mate pretty loosely. Ask me about my twin flame though, weeeeoooo love love love. I met mentors that love and support me unconditionally and have shown me a whole new world. I healed myself: mind body and spirit. I learned how to use my intuition, to create and manifest miracles, and then how to teach others to do the same. And I think that’s where I’m at now. Teaching and sharing miracles.

So I think I’m back. Lots of signs led me back to BrightLights. Past readers and even people I didn't know (so cool!) asked "when is BrightLights coming back?". Don’t get me wrong, I never stopped writing, in fact I don’t miss a day without journalling either first thing in the morning or last thing before bed… it’s just that I stopped publishing. If I’m going to write I want to be honest. More honest than I should be, more often than I should be. I’ll shed my layers. I’ll let you in. Will I continue writing every day? I don’t know. I don’t always know if I’ll wake up the next morning… but when I want to, I usually do ;)

I got you babe,