Wednesday, February 27, 2013

You Were Born Prequalified To Rock The World - Mike Dooley

The heart is a muscle like any other and the best exercise you can do for it is called picking yourself up off the floor -
Iain S. Thomas, author of I Wrote This For You


Congratulations, you did it!

First of all, you slept last night. Which is a big accomplishment in itself considering what you've been through.

Second. When you awoke in the morning, you had the strength to pull yourself out of bed.

You hesitated when you got to the door, didn't you? You half-turned the door knob. Stopped. And considered turning back. Just for today, can I pretend I don't exist?

But you do. You're here. And your existence is what pulls others out of bed on the mornings they don't necessarily want to face the world. You might feel different from everyone else and it might make you feel alienated at times, but don't you remember? That was part of the plan.

That's when you remember the people in your life who see you for who you are and aren't scared by it. The ones that hold your heart when you don't want to. When you don't want to take responsbility for the way your heart beats, they remind you why it does.

It's reflected in the goodnight and good morning texts. The messages left for you to find in surprise places. The flowers delivered to your work. The meals dropped off at the door, knowing that your mind isn't always focused on taking care of yourself.

You smiled while reading this, knowing exactly what I'm talking about, and who those people are for you. How much they mean to you, and how grateful you are for their existence. And whether you're conscious of it or not, there are many that are grateful for yours.

Don't worry about tomorrow, because it's not here yet.
Even if it was just for today, you made it.

Friday, February 22, 2013

“And Then My Soul Saw You And It Kind Of Went, ‘Oh, There You Are. I’ve Been Looking For You’.” - Iain S. Thomas

The same way that Canadians ask about the weather and respond "It will change, just wait 5 minutes" is kind of like the same answer I'd give when someone asks what's going on in my life. It's not that it's dramatic, it's just very transformational, and very quickly.

The beautiful thing is, this is 2013 and we're making this happen.

Every person in your life is here because you chose them.
Your parents. Your significant other. Your friends. Your ex-love that broke your heart to pieces. The cashier at the grocery store that was extremely rude to you for no apparent reason. You chose them to be in your life, no matter how small or significant the relationship, to contribute to your life lessons and purpose.

Feels better knowing that, doesn't it? It's not happening to you. It's happening for you.

I surrender.

It's so easy to take the blame. To wonder what we might have done wrong, or if we weren't good enough. It's easy to be hard on ourselves, and throw a pity party for one.

You have every right to feel like this. I'm proud of you for recognizing this. Give yourself permission to feel scared, and hurt, and disappointed.

Because if we don't, we fight the whole process.

When you get the lesson, that's when they stop giving it to you.

So if everything is a mirror and the Universe is a reflection of how we feel about ourselves, what is being shown to me? What is happening within myself that is being reflected in what's happening in the relationships around me?

I received instant freedom in that question. I can choose to feel hurt and betrayed by circumstances beyond my control, or I can choose to feel empowered and enlightened. Embracing the unknown rather than resisting. Stepping away from the familiar no matter how uncomfortable it is. That seems to be what my February is about.

Every day, the world will drag you by the hand, yelling "This is important! And this is important! And this is important! You need to worry about this! And this! And this!"
And each day, it's up to you, to yank your hand back, put it on your heart and say:
"No. This is what's important."
-Iain S. Thomas, author of I Wrote This For You

Song of the day - Best Thing I Never Had - Beyonce

Thursday, February 21, 2013

"When the choice is to hurt or be hurt. Cheat or be cheated. Violate or be violated. Always, always, always choose the latter." - Mike Dooley

"I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it" 
-Audrey Hepburn

I have been asking every day for the last 14 days "is this real life?"

The position of the sun during the time of my birth tells me I am a Scorpio, which is described as mysterious and secretive. At times, it is hard to open up. It is important to feel safe. It is scary to think that the people you feel safe with could turn their back at any moment. It is a risk we take to pursue love.

I've been scratching my secrets off the list one by one. I want to be completely honest and transparent so that none of my secrets go unclaimed. So that the only baggage I have left are the ones resting under my eyes - Ha! I like to think it's hereditary but let's be honest, this mind and my spirits don't let me sleep all that much. The last two nights especially, I have watched every hour on the clock pass by. My clairaudience comes in most clearly in the latest of hours. As well as my creative writing abilities. A lot of these posts are written between sunset and sunrise. Midnight hours are some of the rare few that the capacity of my mind doesn't need to be divided among obligations and people. 

The last thing I read last night before (attempting) sleep was an email from my Aunt that said "Don't settle and don't hold back from loving, if you want to. The world would be cheated if you did"

When did we stop telling little girls they could grow up to be princesses? Why do we get to a certain age and stop hearing "you can be anything you want to be when you grow up"And why do women believe they need to be guarded and play hard to get and not give too much of themselves away? How real can I be under those rules? That wouldn't be my authentic self, and how could I accept love if I wasn't authentic? 

Being my best authentic self doesn't mean giving you only a few of the puzzle pieces and expecting you to put me together. No guessing games. I'm on your team. Here's the big picture. Maybe our pieces will fit together, maybe they won't. Beautiful. 

Here's another line we don't hear enough: You can do anything you put your mind to -- That's my favorite answer to everything, especially when it's silly. From "Do you think I get this job?" to "Can I have another cup of coffee?" to "Can I make you mine?"

You can do anything you put your mind to.
Song of the day: Happy - Leona Lewis

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

“Your Task Is Not To Seek For Love, But Merely To Seek And Find All The Barriers Within Yourself That You Have Built Against It.” - Rumi

“When someone is honest and vulnerable, they wring my heart - I want to hug them for being real.”
John Geddes

Someone once told me that my "problem" in relationships is that I give 100%.

My problem is that I wholeheartedly give myself to another when appropriate?
And that I treat them the way I want to be treated?

Hmm. What a problem I have.

I'd rather have a bruised ego than regrets and what-ifs.

Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they’ll love you back. 
Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn’t, 
Be content it grew in yours

Song of the day: Fear You Won't Fall - Joshua Radin

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

I wrote on the door of my heart, 'Please do not enter.' Love came smiling and said: 'Sorry I am an illiterate'. -Michael Paul

My heart is beating against my chest like someone banging on the door to let themselves in. I've dusted off the welcome mat at the entrance and put on a fresh pot of tea. By all means, stay a while. Make yourself at home. Mi corazón es su corazón.

Sometimes people feel more like home than the structure of the insulated walls that surround you. They are the people that make you laugh when you're not looking. They make you feel safe when you're trying to stand your ground. Your guard is down. Your fists are unclenched. Your suit of armor crumbles. You are completely and effortlessly free to be you. They don't even need to break down the barriers you've built up, because they found the secret entrance.

I've been measuring my life in heartbeats.
So when I have days that I think I am unlovable,
My heart keeps knocking at my ribs to remind me: 
Knock knock,
Who’s there?
You are. Don’t you forget

And lately, my heart has been racing.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

“Love Is The Easiest Thing There Is. It’s The Layers Of Doubt, Fear, And Expectation That Make It Complicated.” - Luanne Rice

There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain and remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself
Storybook People

Today, February 14th, Valentines Day 2013, I am celebrating self-care. I celebrate my accomplishments, decisions, and especially my mistakes. Mistakes are tuition.

We've all had the time-machine fantasies but I wouldn't change a single thing, not even in the slightest. I am loving my growing pains. I am patting myself on the back for the love I have experienced, received, given, and lost. Accepting that sometimes I will be the one to love more, longer, put my entire heart into, and still lose. I am grateful for the loss. Knowing what it means to fall, crash, hurt, and recover. Reminding myself that you can't help others by neglecting yourself. To leave and let go of what no longer fulfils you. That you don't stay for the sake of staying. Just to prove that you could. Carrying on in a sinking ship is not bravery.

When you don't succeed in that relationship, or getting that job, promotion, or house... you wake up one day thinking Thank God he was not the one. Thank God I didn't get that job. Thank God I don't live that life I once thought I wanted... Let go of the why and the how, and trust that everything you want is on its way to you, and the Universe always has better plans for you than you're even capable of dreaming up... but first you have to get out of the way.

Song Of The Day: In Real Life - Demi Lovato

Wednesday, February 13, 2013

“I Took A Deep Breath And Listened To The Old Brag Of My Heart. I Am, I Am, I Am.” - Sylvia Plath

My body lets me in on the things my subconscious mind will not.

Recurrent sore throats, for example.
It’s like I’ve got words stuck in there or something.

One day I woke up with my ankles mysteriously, severely, and deeply bruised.
Every step was excruciating. I could hardly walk.
It’s like my body was saying:
If you’re not ready to move forward
Then don’t.

I thought I was going to die.

Here I was sitting in the waiting room next to my Mom. I managed to get to the doctor on my own before the nurses called my parents due to my disorientated state of mind. Anxiety piling as high as my list of work emails left unattended that morning. I started telling my Mom all the passwords to my social media accounts and protected documents on my computer, all my bank pin numbers, all my instructions and last wishes. Please pay my last credit card bill. There are unused gift certificates in my wallet. The Marble Slab stamp card just needs one more and you'll get a free ice cream. There's two-for-one coupons for the movies that expire at the end of the month. I still owe Patrick a copy of our play from highschool, "Something About A Closet", make sure it gets to him.

It's funny now that it's over...

I brought the nurses flowers a few weeks later to thank them/apologize for putting up with me in my delirium.

Through blood tests, biopsies, xrays and being endlessly poked and prodded, doctors still couldn't tell me what exactly this mystery disease was or what caused it. So: here's some addictive and life-ruining medication to ease the pain, see ya later!

I tried so hard. I tried to ignore the pain and heaviness with each step, but I ultimately found myself in bed surrendering to this mystery. It happened shortly after I had moved back to Edmonton so I was very grateful that it happened when I was near my family who could help me. My brother delivered food and water to my room, and sometimes stayed with me as I drifted in and out of a medicated-sleep.

I had just started my new job in my new city and tried my best to maintain normalcy. My job sometimes requires long and active days running around. I'd do what I had to do to make it through. A few clients caught on to my problem but I made it. I remember going on a date once and holding on to this gentleman's arm -- not because I was trying to be affectionate but because I truly could have collapsed at any moment.

I tried mind-over-matter, convincing myself that I was pain-free and didn't need the medication. I refused to get the prescription refilled and on my first day without taking the medication... I didn't even make it to noon without giving in. That's when I discovered that my Grandfather was on the same medication so he was generous enough to spot me for the day. Great. I'm on Grandpa-medication.

One evening at one of my regular hangouts, I met a man who practices Reiki. He noticed my struggle walking and asked if he could help me. I was in the worst discomfort of my life. Desperate and willing to try anything, I let him. I think he worked on me for about 15 minutes... He sent healing energy to the parts of my body that needed it. He told me that through visualization he placed a kyanite crystal in my foot. I felt it pulsing and I still can today. And that was the last day I took my medication. I was praying for a miracle, to overcome my struggle and take the lesson from it.

I still can't put a name to what I experienced for three months this past summer, but now that it's over I see how much quality time I had by myself going through this. In those times, I learned how much I love to be alone, and how necessary it was for me to be alone despite feeling obligated to meet the requests and desires of other people.

That was what I needed to learn how to say no. And how to ask for help. And how to be strong by revealing my weakness and vulnerability. I dealt with a lot of internal emotions during that time. I didn't have the rush and busyness of daily life to distract me from it anymore. I had to say no to people that wanted my time because I couldn't get out of bed. I had to ask for help because otherwise I was truly useless and couldn't do much for myself. I had nothing to keep me from dealing with neglected inner-work that was calling to be acknowledged. I'm better. Thank God for this experience.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Thoughts Become Things, Dreams Come True, And You Just Keep Getting Better Every Single Day. - Mike Dooley

Learn to say 'no' to the good, so you can say 'yes' to the best
-John Maxwell


I've been going through a whole week of deja vu. Maybe longer, it's hard to tell. I've had a hard time verbalizing my nonsense. My body finally catching up to where my head is at. My physical self meeting with my higher self.

I couldn't put my thoughts together into words. I'd sit here with a blank screen in front of me waiting to be filled. I had so many things to say and feel but didn't know where to start. It was a whirlwind of chaotic feelings and cluttered thoughts. I couldn't pinpoint my deja vu moment. My "whoa" moment. My "Where am I?" and "Who are you?" moment.

I think deja vu says "In this moment, you are exactly where you are meant to be." My higher self has gone through big change and shift and release. It's easier for my higher self to get ahead because my physical body has an ego and can easily get caught up in the past or what I may believe I'm not ready to let go of.

I wonder if deja vu means I've literally experienced this moment before in some way or another. Past life. Parallel universe. Or if I've reached this "checkpoint" in my life and now the Universe is providing me this dizzy feeling to reassure me, "you've made it!"

Thursday through Saturday alone could have filled pages and pages with moments and memories and revelations. I had my "whoa"-moment that spanned over the course of the whole weekend. I'm not sure I've processed it enough to write about it, but it's coming.

I'm also trying to pinpoint exactly what happened or what I did for things to move so drastically. Was it just luck or coincidence? -- you know I don't believe in those.  Was it my craniosacral therapy just earlier that released a blockage? Was it this statue of Ganesh that was gifted to me? Ganesh is a Hindu deity, the remover of obstacles. My beautiful friend Jadene and I have the same statue and each morning we state the obstacle we're giving up to Ganesh. For five minutes a day, Ganesh reminds me to forget my fears, problems, and pain. And to feel the feelings I want to feel most, for the rest of my life. Perhaps it was leaving the things behind that were no longer serving me. It's been a long time coming. It's been too much resistance. Not knowing when to hold on and when to let go of things that were just okay. But not great. Or amazing. Or incredible. I sat in my car on Thursday night physically shaking with emotion. I'm human. I have an ego. And a temper. And some days I lose it. Make the call, my inner voice said. I don't have time for "just okay". I don't have tolerance for love that is conditional. I don't have energy for anything less than mad, passionate and extraordinary.

I'm not really sure where my feet are planted right now. They're somewhere between this new ground and being swept right off of them. When I am able to regain my thoughts, maybe I'll write about how I made space for new things in my life. Or I'll write about how I learned that the potential in my wildest dreams truly exists. That there are people that will come into your life at exactly the right moment to remind you who you are and how extremely and utterly special that is.

Last night I finished my 40 day prayer journal program. Every night I've been doing these writing exercises and as I crossed the finish line of day 40 I realized that the things I wrote 40 days ago are right in front of me now. I love miracles.

You are now, officially, the person you once dreamed you'd become.
-Mike Dooley

Song of the day: Wanted- Hunter Hayes

Tuesday, February 5, 2013


When I think of courage, I think of the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz. He was always running away from danger. He often cried and shook with fear. But he was always sharing his real feelings with those he loved, even though he didn’t always like these feelings. That takes real courage, the courage to be intimate
-Michael Jackson


I can't believe everything that happened in one day... happened in one day! It was 17 hours of pure adrenaline and excitement in Edmonton.

My company had the absolute pleasure of producing the show at the Chamber Ball on Friday night, with a very special performance by The Jacksons. The brothers returned to the stage for the first time together in thirty years and blew us away with their classic hits and a tribute to Michael. When they performed "I want you back" I stood there in awe thinking I can't believe this is happening in my lifetime.

It was incredible to meet them and their entourage of thirty members with tons of stories to share. I was so intrigued to hear about their lifestyle and what they do when they're not on tour with the most world-renowned musical family in the world. The members of their crew have been in the industry for years with some of the biggest names. One member told me he got his start in the industry with Whitney Houston right when her career began, and he was Whitney Houston's childhood boyfriend when they went to church together as kids. Another was going from this gig to work with Justin Timberlake for the next few weeks. Another just worked with Justin Bieber for the last four years. Others mentioned Prince, Nsync, Britney Spears... Hearing their stories and where they came from was so fascinating.

The moment the Jacksons took the stage for their soundcheck that afternoon I was so inspired. Again, I can't believe this is happening in my lifetime. We witnessed candid moments of them working, collaborating, laughing, and always in a musical mindset. Singing in the car to and from the venue. Spontaneously they started a beat along with the sound of the signal light in the car clicking. Tito started clapping. Tapping his foot. Marlon snapping his fingers. One brother would start singing and the other jumped in, harmonizing.

They were mesmerized by the snow and our winter wonderland. It's like it's Christmas here all the time! They said, recalling memories from their childhood. Remember when we had to walk backwards on the way to school because it was so cold? Look at that man cleaning the snow off his car. Let's go help! Can you imagine? Can you imagine if we helped clean the snow off of all the cars! It's so beautiful!

It was a night to remember. We got a fantastic interview from them for Trixstar TV, Carmen received a couple of marriage proposals from crew (of course she did, she's exceptional and people fall in love with her instantly), we made some amazing friends, and the performance was unforgettable. At the end of the night as we were taking a group photo, I was shaking everyone's hand in the group and Jermaine pulled me right from shaking Tito's hand and placed me right next to him. We took a photo before I could continue along the line. He said I love your dress, girl you are WEARING that dress!

It was a beyond-incredible experience. I woke up the next morning after 5 hours of sleep for airport runs and texts from Carmen Remember that night we hung out with The Jacksons?! It's amazing to be a fan at one of our own shows in addition to being in work-mode.

Song Of The Day: I Want You Back - The Jacksons
Seriously, I want Friday night back, let's do it all over again!

Monday, February 4, 2013

There's Only Love And What You Do With It

I remember the morning we walked through the city together. "You know," she said, leaning into me, "there's only love and what you do with it." And suddenly, like the first scent of green things at the end of winter, it was all around me. And everywhere there were people with eyes shining and it was so clear they had been there all along that I had to laugh and wonder how I ever thought we could fail.

What most people don't know about the sunrise...

Each day when the sun rises, the indescribable colors are released into the world one by one. We see the sky filled with a variety of pinks, the purples, the oranges, the beautiful colors and moments that take our breath away first thing in the morning before the sky comes to its full blue. Each vibrant color eagerly waking and bringing their story to tell and magic to unfold. It's something we've become so accustomed to that we haven't paid enough of the attention that each color deserves as it awakens with us each day.

Before society had become distracted by the morning commute, the rush to the local coffee shop, the stock exchange and getting the kids out the door, we used to take time each morning to greet and welcome each other and each color returning after they too had gone away to sleep. Good morning yellow, good morning orange, good morning pink... When the sky finally sets to blue that's when we know all the colors have awakened and are out bringing magic to the day. The sun sets each night and tucks away each color like a nurturing mother, sweetly tucking in her children to sleep. Each color brought back to the sun to rest and recuperate while we do the same, leaving us with comforting dark and the protective moon while we dream.

The thing I appreciate most about them is that they wake each morning, despite the heartache and challenges of the atmosphere we live in. Despite any longing or temptation to stay in bed and hide under the covers from the unknown challenges that may confront us. They get out of bed to bring color to the world every. single. day. And if they can, I think I can too.

So on those days I want nothing more than to stay in bed and forget about the world, my inner voice says to me: "Do you realize how far the sun has come to rise for you today? Do you realize how much the sun has seen and been through on its way to reach you? Please get up and count your blessings and be one to the world because there's someone that needs you to rise and bring color to theirs."

Every morning my alarm clock goes off and sings "You gotta get up and try, try, try"
and every morning... I do.

Ps, have you ever seen your own eyes? Look at them today, I encourage you.
Song of the day: Lost in my bedroom - Sky Ferreira