Wednesday, April 24, 2013

"That's A Lie, I Wasn't Born Ready... I Had To Be Induced"

Just as I can look at someone on the street and make up their life story, I wonder if coroners do the same: uncovering a pretend biography based on the autopsy.

At the end of my life, I wonder how much they could find based on the marks left on my body.

They'll find my bony hips and piano fingers. Two circular scars from chicken pox: 3 years old. Right ankle, a burn scar from a date gone bad: 18 years old. Weak right wrist after breaking it in dental school. Poor wrists overall: being a dental hygienist. Bone indents in the left shin: summers playing at Baba and Gido's. Flexible elbow: dislocating it twice under the age of 4... didn't mind it the second time cause it meant more animal crackers from the doctor. Loonie shape scars on both knees and my big toe at 8, from tripping over my pool toys in Mexico, and then Gido thinking listerine was a good substitute for polysporin.

A brain that couldn't get to sleep. An imagination that was saw monsters in the dark even as an adult. Three healed but still visible scars over the heart. Small piece missing and location unknown. Vocal cords scratched. Music still playing in my head between my ears. Small red dots on my fingers, needle poke injuries and blood sugar tests. I wasn't diabetic but I tried to be compassionate.

Somehow these experiences have left a roadmap on my body, each leaving memories. Some good, some bad, some bad at the time but good once its over with-- like most things usually. In the way that everything happens for a reason, even if the reason is just for the next thing to happen.

Song of the day: Paradise - Coldplay

Thursday, April 11, 2013

Set It Free & Let It Be.

Judging yourself for what you haven't yet accomplished is kind of
like taking rocket fuel from a rocket so that it might fly higher.
The rocket needs fuel.
You deserve a standing ovation
-Mike Dooley


We guard ourselves to avoid getting hurt. We clam up in our shells and hide behind these self-made walls. We think we are protecting ourselves. We save money for worst-case scenarios that will likely never come true. We say we love ourselves, but we hide. We prepare for bad things to happen. And we wonder why we create lack and illness in the world.

How hard is it to let go? I sit in a women's group every week and we talk about our anxiety, stress, fears, insecurities, and how much we wish we could just "let go". Well, why not? Why can't we just do it? It should be just that easy, right? What is my insecurity serving me? How do my fears help me? When is anxiety ever good for me?

I have this crazy brain that imagines up the worst possible things that could happen. We want positive things to manifest but we're living in a chaotic environment that distracts us from thinking those positive thoughts. Sometimes when my imagination comes up with these nightmare situations that may occur, I ride it out. I let myself imagine every single horrific intricate detail... and then, because I can control my imagination, I make up this big stick of dynamite and blow it up. Thanks, but not happening. If I can control my imagination and take that thought and say, "not gonna happen", I can use my imagination to create all the good positive things I want to occur in my life and make THAT happen.

When you think something is too good to be true, or you want something so bad you're scared to lose it before you even have it, when you hold on so tightly because you want it to come true... holding on tightly doesn't let what you want slip into your hands and allow you to have it. People. Money. Love. If I hold on too tight, it can break within my grasp. So I let it flow freely and I do my best to trust. When I pay for something, when I give love, when I appreciate someone, I think "There's more where that came from. Money flows easily and frequently. There is an endless amount of love here." - instead of worrying about spending and fretting about reciprocation.

Being attached to the outcome is what makes me lose what I want. How do I know I don't need what I want? Because I don't have it. There is so much freedom in being unattached to the outcome, trusting whatever is meant to happen will happen. Lost jobs, missed opportunities, ended relationships...

How do I know it was meant to happen? Because it did.

And if I held on to that too tightly, how would the other amazing, wonderful, completely meant-to-be opportunities flow through my hands if I was grasping too tightly to what I thought I wanted?

Song of the day: Never Let Me Go - Florence and the Machine

Monday, April 1, 2013

If I Could Speak To That Old Me Now, I’d Remain Silent.

If it's appeared on your life radar, this is why: to teach you that dreams come true, to reveal that you have the power to fix what's broken and heal what hurts; to catapult you beyond seeing with just your physical senses; and to lift the veils that have kept you from seeing that you're already the person you dreamed you'd become.
And believe me, that was one heck of a dream.
-The Universe (Mike Dooley)


We accept the love we think we deserve. Sometimes we find ourselves in a pattern of the same relationship over and over again. In a series of abusive, negative, toxic, or unfaithful relationships, the common denominator is you. It's not them, it's you.

I've experienced a bit of them all, and I struggled to leave each time. The toxic, the unfaithful, the abusive. The serial cheater, the manipulative, the mindgames, the one that got rough when he drank. Removed from the situation, I'd be the first to tell someone to get out of the experiences I found myself in. I used to wonder why my parents never said anything when they saw me suffering in relationships, but I would I have listened anyway? We have to learn our lessons the hard way. We have to fall hard and hit bottom before we decide to get up on our own and continue on our search for what we want.

We want to be loved
We want to be cherished.
We want to be accepted and understood.

But what if there's a part of us that doesn't believe we can have what we want?

What happens when we find the person that sees us for who we are? Loves us the way we want to be loved? Treats us the way we want to be treated?

Well sometimes... We run. We hide. We make excuses. We sabotage.

I said that I want the one that sees me for me. Who loves me for who I am, not what I am. But for being warm hearted, and family oriented, and emotional, and sensitive, and likely headed in several different places at the same time but grounded in priorities and what's important.

One of the things I'm learning right now is being who I am without having to explain it to anybody, and being able to share myself with someone at the same time. Because I want to be able to share myself with somebody. And I want to find the right person that shows me how.

"Pay attention to what you say you want and what you believe about your ability to have it." - Iyanla Vanzant