Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Good Morning, Life. It's Good To Be Awake

“This is an apology letter to the both of us 
for how long it took me to let things go. 
It was not my intention to make such a 
production of the emptiness between us 
playing tuba on the tombstone of a soprano 
to try and keep some dead singer’s perspective alive. 
It’s just that I coulda swore you had sung me a love song back there 
and that you meant it 
but I guess sometimes people just chew with their mouth open 
so I ate ear plugs alive with my throat 
hoping they’d get lodged deep enough inside the empty spots 
that I wouldn’t have to hear you leaving”
-Buddy Wakefield

In 2010 I sat in a lecture hall at the University of Toronto, hearing a renowned spiritual teacher give a presentation. He spoke through spirit and answered questions by the audience. Without my hand raised, he chose me. He said he could sense many guides around me and knew I had a question. At this time I did not have any close family or friends on the other side to ask him about, but I did have a deep wondering about my life. I struggled with anxiety and a deep sense of impending something that I couldn't define. I felt that something was shifting in me or that something was about to happen. I did not know how to put it into words. I asked him about it. He sort of laughed at me and asked my age, which I sheepishly responded "twenty..." He then told me "You're young. You have lots of time, you'll figure it out"

I'm not sure if he brushed me off because he truly wanted me to figure it out for myself, or if he just didn't know the right words to say to point me in the right direction. If I knew what I know now then, I would have told myself that it's just the beginning. I was waking up.

We never know we have been asleep until we wake up. You look at the clock and realize you've accidentally fallen asleep for a few hours. Or maybe years. Some of us live our lives half asleep. Going through the motions rather than growing through them. Not willing to wake up and look at ourselves and the baggage we are unknowingly holding on to, or perhaps refusing to let go of.

I have always been afraid of the dark. There is so much around you that you cannot see or protect yourself from in the dark. Yet, there is so much more we are blinded to by our egos even when the lights are on. My darkest moments have also been most magical. Bad things do not happen in life. It's our ego that labels and perceives these experiences as "bad things", when they are really just experiences, stepping stones to the next level of soul growth.

When going through the most grief in my life, I didn't suppress my pain with drugs or alcohol, but I did find other ways to suppress it. Through work, outings, keeping myself more busy than I could handle. When looking for a relationship - I was so afraid to be alone, because I was not willing to look at my inner self - I suppressed the opportunities to see myself by putting myself into the arms of unhealthy relationships. What was I afraid to see? Shouldn't I have been more afraid of what I was not seeing? I knew I struggled with trusting men. As a result, I chose men who I knew were not trustworthy. It took the pressure off to know they were not faithful or honest from the beginning. I dated men who were already committed to other women and didn't feel guilty about it so I didn't either. Until I began to wake up and look at my belief systems and patterns. I was afraid of getting hurt, yet the walls I put up were more painful than the risk of having an open heart. It hurt others in the process, and I've worked hard to forgive myself for that.

When I woke up, I realized that I had been suppressing my own intuition and taking a major detour from my healing. I realized once I uncovered myself from my shell, that there was so much to love about myself. That I could rejoice and be proud of the baby steps I took. The difference was, this time when I would fall down after each step I didn't criticize myself for it. "You did this to yourself, you're such a victim, you can't even take three steps"... you never say that to a baby learning to walk, do you? Each step became a victory. I ended relationships that I knew were unhealthy. I said no to them and said yes to me. I learned how much I love myself and I soooooo love my alone time. Warsan Shire said "I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude" and I finally understood what that meant. I no longer accepted dates because they were a better alternative than being alone. I said no, knowing that being alone was sweet. That I enjoy being with myself. "You get crushed like grapes until you decide to be fine wine" - Caroline Myss.

When I realized this, that question I had asked the spiritual teacher in at the University of Toronto didn't matter any more. That search and feeling of longing for something I could not define was gone. "We're not here to search for happiness, we are here to follow our joy" - Robert Holden.

"Do you know what's better than getting to the top of a mountain? Getting there after you have been lost" - Mike Dooley. This is a reminder for my past, present, and future that it is far better to be vulnerable and love with all your heart, even if you're at risk of getting hurt. It is more of a risk to have the regrets that you didn't give it your all, that didn't love your hardest, that you left things unsaid. It is better to see what is hidden in plain view, and to love yourself for it

Sunday, May 3, 2015

A Summary Of My Flight Home, Through Poetry and Haikus:

They cancelled my flight. 
Twenty six hour wait home. 
Seven bucks for food.

Is he on a train? 
On a plane? 
Or in Spain? 
Where is Wayne?
Is he in a van? 
Is he in the can?
Where is this man?
Is he in the sky?
If he's not here soon he'll make me cry.
Never mind, I found the guy.

At the airport now
Live haiku-ing my journey
When do we go home?

United airline
What a joke of an airline
Just ridiculous

Please bear with me now
Haikus are my therapy
I'll stop soon I swear

I like poetry
Everything is haikus now
How do I stop this?

The doors are closing
The train's leaving the station
We'll catch the next one

Then mom sneezed "ah-choo!" Then everyone stopped and stared Well this is awkward

I just got a tweet
Airline responds to haikus
On our way home soon?

Phone is going dead
Need to charge for more haikus
To be continued

I'm just having some fun 
Please don't cancel my next flight 
I want to go home

Thursday, April 9, 2015

We're Engaged!

My love and I have decided to spend the rest of our lives together

I have never had so much fun every day. I come home to warmth and affection, laughs and excitement. I finally understand what it means when couples say they are married to their best friend. And that home is where your husband is. When something happens, he is the person I want to tell... the most basic indicator of love.

Monday, January 26, 2015

I Want An Indefinitely Long Blank Book And Forever

I have put together a list of pros and cons about living forever. Unless you have the superpower to stop and start time whenever you want, and be able to age at whatever pace you'd like, I am now on the fence about this one. I used to be jealous of this one species that can live forever. It is called "Turritopsis nutricula" and they can live forever by continuously transforming their cells over and over. And I think, if they can do it, maybe we can too.

Living forever has a lot of consequences and heartbreak. Although you'd never have to worry about procrastination because there literally, will always be a tomorrow. You'd fall in love over and over again with the people you meet, only to see them leave eventually. You could try every single career you were ever interested in because you have enough time to learn about them and experience them all! You could find the answer to life (or something like it), you could find a cure for disease, you could end world hunger and bring on world peace.

But maybe dying holds you back from the next step. You never really know what's on the other side, right? Maybe it's a reunion with everyone you've ever had in your life. Lately I've been entertaining the idea that maybe dying is just a way of teleporting. Maybe when you die, you don't actually "die" but you just leave earth and end up on a different planet, like Mars. And all your lost loved ones that died before you will be there waiting for you, and they've been living there ever since. And for now all you can do is wait until your other loved ones take the same path, or else you'll have to wait until technology is invented to allow earthlings to travel to Mars to come visit.

Maybe life is just like a theatre production. People will enter and exit your life, stage left and right. When it's all over you can meet up back stage and celebrate every individual that made up the play of your existence.